Feasts of the Two Hearts

A year ago at this time, I was in Miami with the Servants of the Pierced Hearts, struggling to stay awake during a 12-hour vigil in honor of the Sacred Heart of Jesus and the Immaculate Heart of Mary. Today is His feast day, you know, and tomorrow is Hers. I can't believe it's only been a year, and yet what a year it has been!!

Back then, I was a naive little girl who thought she had all the answers and was seriously considering a religious vocation. Now, I'm a somewhat jaded little girl who realizes that she has no answers and is trying desperately hard not to be in love. Perhaps I am a little wiser, but only because I can acknowledge how foolish I really am.

Back then, I had just decided to move home for my sophomore year because I couldn't afford to live in the dorms anymore. We thought it would be good "formation" for me to continue living with my family, to live for others and not think only of myself. I thought I would grow so deeply in virtue. Maybe I have. I can't tell. All I know is that there were far too many instances of sheer bitchiness on my part for me to feel really good about how this year went. Anyway, now I am planning to move into a beauteous "citadel," complete with maidens and bay window overlooking the street below and garden in the backyard. Sigh. I can't wait.

Back then, I was incredibly anxious about my vocation. I wanted to know which path my life would take. The dilemma consumed my prayer life and many of my thoughts. Now, I seriously don't care which way the road turns. Both vocations are gorgeously beautiful and seeped in graces, so I'm good either way. Plus, here's another little secret: I don't want to get married anytime soon, to God or any mere mortal man. This was a startling revelation to me; I always thought I'd be a young bride growing up. But really, either vocation would get in the way of my plans for stardom. Plus, the idea of a commitment of that magnitude makes me sick. Maybe someday I'll desire those things, but for now I'll just throw myself into my career. It shouldn't be too hard for me considering that I love it so so much. Yay for pink roses and focusing on the present!! :D

Sorry the tone of this post is a little bit depressy and a lot cynical. I have such disdain for my younger self. I hate how ignorant she is. I'm going to hate my current self in a few years. That's just always how it's been with me. I look back at my younger self and crinkle my nose in disgust. But I have great sympathy for her. It's like, "You are so stupid, you poor, poor dear." I just want to go back and say, "Look, you ninny. Everything's going to be ok. So stop embarrassing me and get over yourself." What gets me through is knowing that the current version of myself is the best version yet. And it's only getting better from here. I hope.

Life With the Nunnies

It is almost midnight here at Mother of Love convent, and the household (three postulants, one sister, and me) is preparing for a good nights sleep after an evening of intense prayer.
There isn't a lot of free time here, as you have probably noticed by my lack of updating. Every hour is planned out for maximum use of time. Life is surprisingly busy here, scheduled and reassuring, yet ever changing. As one of the sisters is wont to say with a huge smile on her face, "With religious life, you never know what to expect!"
But, I wanted to snag a few of these spare moments before we commence "horizontal meditation," as our superior calls it, to relate to you some of the insights about the life of a nun which seem to be true.

1. When God is your spouse, every Mass is a marriage feast, every recieving of the Eucharist a consummation. Every soul that you help along the way is your child, every priest your brother. Every prayer is a love letter, every blessing a gift from the One who loves you best.

2. Living in the convent does not mean becoming like your sisters, but rather finding your place among them. Each of the sisters here is completely unique, her own person, and each brings something very important to the family. All nuns are not the same! They may dress the same, but their souls and their hearts are distinctly different.

3. Although the wearing of a habit seems, to me, a great sacrifice, it truly is for the best. A servant has no time or need to adorn herself as she takes her humble place in the great celebration that is life. She pleases the Lord more with her service and virtue than any adornment ever could.

4. Most women do not dream of being nuns all their lives. Girls dream of marriage, of babies, not convents and habits. To most of the nuns I have talked to, the calling in their hearts came as quite a shock to them. But now, they are the happiest, most content group of women I have ever seen. Thus, just because you dream of marriage doesn't mean that you're not called to religious life. In fact, it is important that you ARE drawn to marriage, for religious life is most certainly a marriage, with the greatest husband of them all (No mere mortals for these ladies!) and more spiritual children than you could ever have physically!

5. If you truly are called to religious life, the Lord will woo you just like any other suitor. He will romance you and make you fall madly, crazily in love with Him. How else could He ask you to devote the rest of your life to Him?

I still am not sure if I am called to religious life or marriage, but I know now that my heart is truly open to either path.
I really must be going now, but hopefully this post has given you a bit of insight about religious life and how beautiful it really is.