So, almost done with my first semester here. There have been ups, there have been downs, there have been triumphs and there have been failures. But it has all led to this... I will be a second semester student in a matter of days, which may seem like an obvious progression, but in this accelerated 4-semester program, finishing a semester is like finishing a whole year of normal college. Supposedly.
So, what do I have to say about AMDA now that I've been through the first bit of it? I still hesitate to sing its praises too loudly since the work will keep getting harder, but I seriously am having trouble finding fault with the program. Sure, it's not for everyone, and it's very unforgiving. There's not really a middle ground here; you're either getting good grades with perfect attendance or you're flirting with dropping out. We are expected to give 110% all the time, no matter what, because that is what our employers will expect of us in our ideal work situation, namely, 8 shows a week for years on end. But I think that's a good thing. Better to learn it now than out in the real world.
Here's what I've learned as far as keeping up with the challenges presented: you have got to find something that refreshes and rejuvenates you, something that can calm you down or help you blow off steam. Keep yourself rested, hydrated, and well-fed. I've said all of these things before. They're still true. And I probably would have gone insane without them.
Honestly what wears on me the most is the constant scrutiny. We enter the school each day to be placed under a microscope in all of our classes. That which is most personal and most dear to us - the way we sing, the way we speak, even the way we move! - is constantly open to harsh criticism. It's certainly not easy to live like that day in and day out. But I think it's so worth it.
If we are open to receiving those criticisms, whether we agree with them or not, we are open to improvement on a vast scale, a scale on which most people fail to make even a blip. And that's exciting! Watching myself and my classmates grow over the course of this semester, getting to know our strengths and weaknesses as a group and as individuals, and watching us improve in every respect is truly one of the more rewarding experiences I have been privileged to experience. I greatly look forward to continuing our studies next semester, intensive as they may be. Difficulties and all, I love this school and its curriculum so far; it is exactly what I wanted from a school when I started looking to transfer not even a year ago. The teachers are all extremely knowledgeable and professional, and they truly want us to be, and push us to be, the best we can possibly be. I truly believe that if I throw myself into my work here, I will be setting myself up for blazing success upon graduation. And you just cannot beat that feeling. That I-am-going-to-conquer-the-world-and-AMDA-is-going-to-help-me feeling. ;)
Showing posts with label school. Show all posts
Showing posts with label school. Show all posts
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
ADHD Things
As previously mentioned, I have recently been diagnosed with ADHD. So far, it has been absolutely fantastic. Hm, let me rephrase that. Finally knowing what is going on in my brain has been fantastic. Turns out, I am not lazy or unmotivated. I legitimately have a condition which very often prevents me from focusing on anything and thus prevents me from achieving at the highest level possible. I've been reading the book Delivered from Distraction by Dr. Edward Hallowell, an expert on this disorder, and I'm realizing that a lot of things that I thought were just me, just the way I work, are actually symptoms of ADHD. Here are a few (taken from pages 40-47, the ADD Self-Assessment Quiz, and a couple of other places in the book. Sorry, I'm bad at annotating things...):
- When sitting, I fidgit a lot, and I always have. I am actually just now realizing that I am almost constantly in motion.
- It is unusually torturous for me to sit still and pay attention for any prolonged period of time, i.e. in a classroom/lecture hall. After about 20-30 minutes I am ready for a change of scene.
- Along those lines, I feel I could pay better attention at lectures/presentations if I could get up and pace around. (I always pace around when I'm on the phone or waiting for things, too.)
- My education since high school has been ripe with underachievement, usually because of poor organization and trouble getting to class on time/at all, aside from the primary trouble of focusing on lectures and homework.
- I LOVE driving, especially fast. It helps me think; it's like the fog lifts. The same goes for walking.
- Sometimes my thoughts go so fast, my "mental organizer" can't keep up.
- Sometimes I focus extraordinarily well, even superfocus, but I also get frustrated because I can't make myself superfocus on demand.
- My schoolbag, desk, bookshelves, room, closet, etc, are all a MESS.
- I have a razor-sharp memory one moment only to be foggy and absentminded the next.
- I prefer work in intense bursts rather than prolonged intervals.
- I sometimes smile in a conversation in hopes that it will be a sufficient contribution, because I have totally lost track of what is being talked about. (I never realized how often I space out until this diagnosis!!! It happens all the freakin' time!!!)
- I do that change-the-subject-out-of-nowhere thing during conversations, because I always have other things spinning around in the back of my mind, even if I am completely tuned in to the conversation. I've gotten good at recognizing this and warning people, though.
- I waste vast quantities of time roaming around on the Internet, sending and receiving e-mails, playing electronic games, and otherwise diverting myself from what I originally sat down at my computer to do.
- No matter how hard I try to be on time, I am usually late.
- I have trouble sticking with one task until it is done.
There are lots more, but those are some of the most prominent and interesting ones, I think. Usually, the next question to pop up is, "Aren't most people somewhat like this?" Dr. Hallowell answers this question as follows:
Ok, that is all. I am quite fascinated by this new discovery, so there may be more posts along these lines in the future.
- When sitting, I fidgit a lot, and I always have. I am actually just now realizing that I am almost constantly in motion.
- It is unusually torturous for me to sit still and pay attention for any prolonged period of time, i.e. in a classroom/lecture hall. After about 20-30 minutes I am ready for a change of scene.
- Along those lines, I feel I could pay better attention at lectures/presentations if I could get up and pace around. (I always pace around when I'm on the phone or waiting for things, too.)
- My education since high school has been ripe with underachievement, usually because of poor organization and trouble getting to class on time/at all, aside from the primary trouble of focusing on lectures and homework.
- I LOVE driving, especially fast. It helps me think; it's like the fog lifts. The same goes for walking.
- Sometimes my thoughts go so fast, my "mental organizer" can't keep up.
- Sometimes I focus extraordinarily well, even superfocus, but I also get frustrated because I can't make myself superfocus on demand.
- My schoolbag, desk, bookshelves, room, closet, etc, are all a MESS.
- I have a razor-sharp memory one moment only to be foggy and absentminded the next.
- I prefer work in intense bursts rather than prolonged intervals.
- I sometimes smile in a conversation in hopes that it will be a sufficient contribution, because I have totally lost track of what is being talked about. (I never realized how often I space out until this diagnosis!!! It happens all the freakin' time!!!)
- I do that change-the-subject-out-of-nowhere thing during conversations, because I always have other things spinning around in the back of my mind, even if I am completely tuned in to the conversation. I've gotten good at recognizing this and warning people, though.
- I waste vast quantities of time roaming around on the Internet, sending and receiving e-mails, playing electronic games, and otherwise diverting myself from what I originally sat down at my computer to do.
- No matter how hard I try to be on time, I am usually late.
- I have trouble sticking with one task until it is done.
There are lots more, but those are some of the most prominent and interesting ones, I think. Usually, the next question to pop up is, "Aren't most people somewhat like this?" Dr. Hallowell answers this question as follows:
The diagnosis of ADD is based not upon the presence of these symptoms - which most people have now and then - but upon the intensity and duration of the symptoms. If you have symptoms intensely, as compared to a group of your peers, and if you have had them all your life, you may have ADD. An apt comparison can be made with depression. While everyone has been sad, not everyone has been depressed. The difference lies in the intensity and duration of the sadness. So it is with ADD. If you are intensely distractible, and have been forever, you may have ADD.According to Hallowell, "roughly 5 to 8 percent of the American population has ADD." Although it is true that "its [ADD's] symptoms abound in modern life," only this small percentage experience symptoms severe enough to warrant a diagnosis and treatment such as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy or medication. That being said, there are loads of ways to deal with ADD that do not involve medication, so if you have ADD tendencies, there are still tricks for dealing with those things. I think they are addressed in this book somewhere (I haven't gotten through it yet), but a lot of it is just understanding how your brain works and what your limitations are.
Ok, that is all. I am quite fascinated by this new discovery, so there may be more posts along these lines in the future.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Sleeping
One of the disadvantages to having my bed dismantled and in a pile in the corner of my room is that I didn't get it re-mantled in time to sleep on it last night. This is due to a string of circumstances including meaningful late-night conversations with my roomies, haircuts, long phone calls with strange men, reading Harry Potter book #7, and perhaps more dancing than was absolutely necessary. Also due to this string of circumstances, I didn't really go to bed until almost 2am, at which time I arranged my pillows in my papasan chair and snuggled in. It was comfortable at first, but I realized as the night went on that it wasn't quite as nice as I imagined it would be. I had strange dreams about making out in dressing rooms and losing my sister's dog in New York City. And when my alarm went off at 8 for my 10am class, my still-half-asleep brain thought that "I slept in a papasan chair last night" was a good enough reason to cut class this morning to sleep more, a thought which was repudiated by my fully-awake self about an hour and a half later. But what could I do? By then I had already missed the bus into campus. My next class isn't until 1. It seems fitting that I spend this time putting my bed back together to avoid a repeat performance of last night. Oy.
Monday, October 11, 2010
Surviving
I know I haven't posted in a long time. It's actually because I haven't had anything positive to say. My life has been... difficult lately, and a lot of mornings it's all I can do to pull myself out of bed to face another day. I wish I could go into details and pour my heart out to you, readers, but it would just be so inappropriate. Just please, keep me in your prayers.
Here are some things that are keeping me going:
- my family. They are the best. Really. I don't know what I would do without them. My mom and older sisters have been calling me with great frequency just to ask how I'm doing. I have two wonderful brothers who are just amazing young men. And that little sister of mine. She's such a sass, and I taught her everything she knows. And she's getting so grown up and so beautiful! But most especially, I am grateful for the gift of my father right now. What a good man he is. He has been so faithful to our family, so loving, so hardworking, so generous. And when a girl's heart is lying in pieces around her, sometimes a hug from her daddy is just the thing to make it a little better...
- my faith. Ya, it had to be said. God and I are... maybe not as tight as we used to be. But we still talk. Honestly, it's Mamma Mary who's pulling me through this time. And I know that she's very close to her Son/Husband/Father. It's great how God is all three to her, isn't it? So as long as I stay wrapped in her mantle... I think I'll be ok.
- music. Yes, this also makes me cry a lot. But more often it brings a sweet release of all the tensions and stresses of my life. My favorite is to go into St. Paul's when no one else is there and just revel in the sound of my voice reverberating through the glorious space above my head. It's like... releasing pieces of my soul. My favorite right now is Bach's Ave Maria in the key of G major. (I know that because after I finished singing I whipped out my tuning fork, which I always have with me now, and found what key I was in just by listening to A 440 and doing the math. Hells yes, I am a music major now!!! Also I just found out that that's the key it was originally published in. It's a sign.) Today when I was singing there two people walked in and knelt down to pray in the middle of a song. I wasn't sure what to do so... I finished the song. Then I left feeling kind of embarrassed. Usually I only let God hear me when I'm singing like that.
- my bird. Sure, she bites me when I try to touch her, but every morning, she sings along to my alarm clock, and sometimes it's quite nice to wake up to birdsong.
- dancing! I went to Chicken Swing at CMU last Thursday night and did some lindy hoppin'. It was so lovely to forget about everything for a few hours and just dance. I am also a regular attendee of the Panther Tango Club, which I love. I think tango is my favorite kind of dance. It's so passionate and tender. Also the endorphines from these two excursions kept me in an "up" mood for several days. The only drug I can afford...
Now I'd like to talk a little bit about school. I have apparently stopped caring about it. I haven't done homework in over a week. Except for a little composition project. Hells yes. I am a music major now. ;) Anywho, this lack of caring about classes is especially unfortunate because my good side pleaded with my professors on Friday for extensions on all the papers and homeworks I haven't turned in, while the bad me doesn't give a damn and is blogging right now instead of working on her long-overdue homework. And I'm honestly feeling pretty sleepy (not from wine this time) so I think I'm going to go to bed and try to wake up early to finish it. If I care tomorrow. Which is a tossup at this point.
Ooo it's thundering. How wonderful. I do love a good storm.
Here are some things that are keeping me going:
- my family. They are the best. Really. I don't know what I would do without them. My mom and older sisters have been calling me with great frequency just to ask how I'm doing. I have two wonderful brothers who are just amazing young men. And that little sister of mine. She's such a sass, and I taught her everything she knows. And she's getting so grown up and so beautiful! But most especially, I am grateful for the gift of my father right now. What a good man he is. He has been so faithful to our family, so loving, so hardworking, so generous. And when a girl's heart is lying in pieces around her, sometimes a hug from her daddy is just the thing to make it a little better...
- my faith. Ya, it had to be said. God and I are... maybe not as tight as we used to be. But we still talk. Honestly, it's Mamma Mary who's pulling me through this time. And I know that she's very close to her Son/Husband/Father. It's great how God is all three to her, isn't it? So as long as I stay wrapped in her mantle... I think I'll be ok.
- music. Yes, this also makes me cry a lot. But more often it brings a sweet release of all the tensions and stresses of my life. My favorite is to go into St. Paul's when no one else is there and just revel in the sound of my voice reverberating through the glorious space above my head. It's like... releasing pieces of my soul. My favorite right now is Bach's Ave Maria in the key of G major. (I know that because after I finished singing I whipped out my tuning fork, which I always have with me now, and found what key I was in just by listening to A 440 and doing the math. Hells yes, I am a music major now!!! Also I just found out that that's the key it was originally published in. It's a sign.) Today when I was singing there two people walked in and knelt down to pray in the middle of a song. I wasn't sure what to do so... I finished the song. Then I left feeling kind of embarrassed. Usually I only let God hear me when I'm singing like that.
- my bird. Sure, she bites me when I try to touch her, but every morning, she sings along to my alarm clock, and sometimes it's quite nice to wake up to birdsong.
- dancing! I went to Chicken Swing at CMU last Thursday night and did some lindy hoppin'. It was so lovely to forget about everything for a few hours and just dance. I am also a regular attendee of the Panther Tango Club, which I love. I think tango is my favorite kind of dance. It's so passionate and tender. Also the endorphines from these two excursions kept me in an "up" mood for several days. The only drug I can afford...
Now I'd like to talk a little bit about school. I have apparently stopped caring about it. I haven't done homework in over a week. Except for a little composition project. Hells yes. I am a music major now. ;) Anywho, this lack of caring about classes is especially unfortunate because my good side pleaded with my professors on Friday for extensions on all the papers and homeworks I haven't turned in, while the bad me doesn't give a damn and is blogging right now instead of working on her long-overdue homework. And I'm honestly feeling pretty sleepy (not from wine this time) so I think I'm going to go to bed and try to wake up early to finish it. If I care tomorrow. Which is a tossup at this point.
Ooo it's thundering. How wonderful. I do love a good storm.
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Sleepless Saga
So, last night I don't think I slept at all. This was not a free choice; I was so tired when I got home at 8:30 last night that I was in bed by 9, thinking that if I went to bed early, I could wake up early and do my homework then. But it was not to be. I slept for maybe an hour before I awoke, uncomfortably hot and sweating. My room used to be an attic, so the temperatures up here can get a little extreme. I tossed and turned for a while, trying to fall back asleep in spite of the heat, but eventually I gave in and got up to throw open my windows the rest of the way. This turned out to be a mistake, because apparently the 3-step trek across the room told my body that it was time to be awake, and try as I might, I could not convince it that it was, in fact, bedtime and that I was tired. By now it was 11:30.
So, I got up and turned on a small light so that I could at least entertain myself with some books. I read the last hundred pages or so of The Golden Compass, which was very interesting, but I still was not even remotely tired. I thought, "Maybe I can get my homework done now, since I obviously won't be sleeping anytime soon." I turned on my computer, etc., only to find that our internet had timed out. I would have to reset the router, which is in my housemate's room, and I really did not want to creep in there while she was sleeping. Instead, I went downstairs, pulled out some ice cream, made some tea, and read the next hundred or so pages from How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk. (very informative, by the way. I highly recommend.) All this reading, eating, and tea-making took me right up to about 5am, at which point I headed back upstairs with a mug of tea to sit in my windowsill with my feet on the roof, my special spot where I sometimes watch the sunset. Whilst staring up at the moon and the one bright star I could see through the light pollution of our neighborhood, I found myself actually feeling a chill from the night air breezing around our roof, and that chill made me a little bit sleepy, in addition to the delicious tea I was sipping (about my 4th mug that night). So, around 6am I finally found my way back to my little bed and succeeded, at last, at falling asleep.
My alarm went off at 7. "Hell no," I thought, and turned it off. Then I rolled over and went back to sleep until 10:30, thus making it impossible for me to go to my 10am or 11am classes or do any of my homework. I did get up and get ready to catch the 12:34 bus into Oakland for my 1pm class, but I just missed it and so did not get into Oakland until the next bus arrived there at 1:30 or so. My 2pm class didn't meet today because we had keyboard audits! Fun fun. I think I aced mine. The rest of the day went normally: holy hour, confession, Mass, grocery shopping, dinner. I haven't felt the effects of my sleeplessness at all.
It is now getting quite late, especially considering I have to be up and out by 7:45 tomorrow morning, but I still am not tired. It is too damn hot in this house. And I need to finish doing my laundry so I actually have clean clothes to wear to choir camp. Che palle. That is a vulgar way of saying "What a drag" in Italian. Maybe I can sleep in the car tomorrow on the way there. Or maybe it will be so cold at camp that I will actually be able to sleep there... What a delight that would be...
So, I got up and turned on a small light so that I could at least entertain myself with some books. I read the last hundred pages or so of The Golden Compass, which was very interesting, but I still was not even remotely tired. I thought, "Maybe I can get my homework done now, since I obviously won't be sleeping anytime soon." I turned on my computer, etc., only to find that our internet had timed out. I would have to reset the router, which is in my housemate's room, and I really did not want to creep in there while she was sleeping. Instead, I went downstairs, pulled out some ice cream, made some tea, and read the next hundred or so pages from How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk. (very informative, by the way. I highly recommend.) All this reading, eating, and tea-making took me right up to about 5am, at which point I headed back upstairs with a mug of tea to sit in my windowsill with my feet on the roof, my special spot where I sometimes watch the sunset. Whilst staring up at the moon and the one bright star I could see through the light pollution of our neighborhood, I found myself actually feeling a chill from the night air breezing around our roof, and that chill made me a little bit sleepy, in addition to the delicious tea I was sipping (about my 4th mug that night). So, around 6am I finally found my way back to my little bed and succeeded, at last, at falling asleep.
My alarm went off at 7. "Hell no," I thought, and turned it off. Then I rolled over and went back to sleep until 10:30, thus making it impossible for me to go to my 10am or 11am classes or do any of my homework. I did get up and get ready to catch the 12:34 bus into Oakland for my 1pm class, but I just missed it and so did not get into Oakland until the next bus arrived there at 1:30 or so. My 2pm class didn't meet today because we had keyboard audits! Fun fun. I think I aced mine. The rest of the day went normally: holy hour, confession, Mass, grocery shopping, dinner. I haven't felt the effects of my sleeplessness at all.
It is now getting quite late, especially considering I have to be up and out by 7:45 tomorrow morning, but I still am not tired. It is too damn hot in this house. And I need to finish doing my laundry so I actually have clean clothes to wear to choir camp. Che palle. That is a vulgar way of saying "What a drag" in Italian. Maybe I can sleep in the car tomorrow on the way there. Or maybe it will be so cold at camp that I will actually be able to sleep there... What a delight that would be...
Thursday, August 26, 2010
New Chapter
I know the name of this post is super cheesy, but I couldn't think of anything else to call this collection of musings about my current state. I've just moved into my new house, for good this time, and connected to the internet successfully, and I feel quite contemplative.
I woke up this morning really missing Africa. The goodbye is just feeling so real today. I am quick to adapt but slow to truly change. This was apparent in the way I quickly embraced African culture and lifestyle, but right at the end of the month I began to struggle because I needed to adjust on a deeper level to be comfortable again. So it is now; I was quick to adapt to my previous lifestyle once back in the States, but it's taken a little longer for the change to really sink in. It's really starting to hit me that I am probably not going back to Ghana for a really long time. And I miss it. I miss it so friggin much.
Sigh.
I am so super glad to be living in this house, though. My loan was finally dispersed today, so I can pay my rent. Phew! My boxes are still piled up in the closet and in the living room, but I don't care. I know that eventually my organizational self will create some kind of order to it all. And I feel that I have time to do that for once. For some reason, all my other moves felt rushed... which doesn't make any sense because I definitely had time after both of them to make sure things got to their places. Maybe because I moved my furniture in last week and I just have to put stuff in/on it now. Either way. I feel good about this.
And while we're on the subject of things I feel good about, allow me to say that I am pee-in-my-pants excited to start classes! I'm going to be a music major! Me! Who saw that coming?? Oh, I'm so happy. I've never been this excited for school to start in my whole life, I think. I'm going to like what I'm studying. Absolutely unheard of! Oh God, I cannot think of it too much, or I'll never get to sleep. I'm like a kid on Christmas Eve. And my presents? Music! Choir rehearsals! Voice lessons! Oh, it is too much to bear! To much goodness and happiness! Thank God for that, or I would be booking my depressed little self a flight back to Africa by now.
I woke up this morning really missing Africa. The goodbye is just feeling so real today. I am quick to adapt but slow to truly change. This was apparent in the way I quickly embraced African culture and lifestyle, but right at the end of the month I began to struggle because I needed to adjust on a deeper level to be comfortable again. So it is now; I was quick to adapt to my previous lifestyle once back in the States, but it's taken a little longer for the change to really sink in. It's really starting to hit me that I am probably not going back to Ghana for a really long time. And I miss it. I miss it so friggin much.
Sigh.
I am so super glad to be living in this house, though. My loan was finally dispersed today, so I can pay my rent. Phew! My boxes are still piled up in the closet and in the living room, but I don't care. I know that eventually my organizational self will create some kind of order to it all. And I feel that I have time to do that for once. For some reason, all my other moves felt rushed... which doesn't make any sense because I definitely had time after both of them to make sure things got to their places. Maybe because I moved my furniture in last week and I just have to put stuff in/on it now. Either way. I feel good about this.
And while we're on the subject of things I feel good about, allow me to say that I am pee-in-my-pants excited to start classes! I'm going to be a music major! Me! Who saw that coming?? Oh, I'm so happy. I've never been this excited for school to start in my whole life, I think. I'm going to like what I'm studying. Absolutely unheard of! Oh God, I cannot think of it too much, or I'll never get to sleep. I'm like a kid on Christmas Eve. And my presents? Music! Choir rehearsals! Voice lessons! Oh, it is too much to bear! To much goodness and happiness! Thank God for that, or I would be booking my depressed little self a flight back to Africa by now.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
A Change in the Wind...
As usual, it took a severe crash and burn for me to realize how unhappy I was. At the end of classes, before finals began, I realized that I was insanely stressed out, hating school, and that I didn't care enough about any of my classes to fight for success. Something had to change.
A couple of months ago, at the career development office:
Counselor: So, what is your ideal job?
(long pause)
Me: Well... my IDEAL job is doing voice-overs for Disney movies and recording books on tape. ... I realize that that's not exactly included in my major. [english writing and communications] I do think I'm in the right major, but I also know that if the opportunity to perform ever presented itself, I sure as hell would jump at it.
Later that month, conversation with a friend:
me: I have so much to do... [more yammering about specific papers I had to write, tests to study for, whining etc.]
him: Why don't you pull an all-nighter?
me: I can't. No, really, I physically cannot. I always fall asleep.
him: Well, then why don't you skip choir rehearsal and get caught up?
me: No!
him: Why not? You have almost perfect attendance; one absence isn't going to affect your A in the class.
me: No... no way am I missing HCC. I love it too much!
him: So... let me get this straight: you hate all your classes except HCC.
me: (pause) Yeah... I guess do...
Monday of finals week, on a walk with my mom:
me: "I think I need to change my major..."
Mom was a little freaked out, I think, but she suggested that I get more information. "Knowledge is power," she said. So, I made a whole slew of appointments with my choir director (also, conveniently, the advisor for the music department), my academic advisor, the career counselor (again), and an advisor from the theater department. What it boils down to is this:
I cannot live without performing. I am tired of putting costumes in dressing rooms for shows that don't include me, tired of cheering others on in their musical/theatrical pursuits and never even dreaming that I could follow suit. Aside from moments in front of the tabernacle, in Eucharistic adoration, and at Mass, the happiest moments of my life are during performances. Singing in church, dance recitals, high school musicals, half-time shows as a Bethette, choir concerts, it doesn't matter where or how I'm performing; I have loved every minute of my time on stage. And I want to do this for the rest of my life, professionally.
I know that pursuing a career in musical theater will be difficult. But I also know that I have what it takes to succeed. The more I look at this career path, the more I research and talk to people and imagine myself living that life, the more I feel that this is the path I was created to take. For the first time in my life, I want to throw myself into my studies because I want to make myself better. I desire to improve myself, to make something of myself, to really work for something! And for the first time, I truly believe that I can do it. This decision has given my life purpose and meaning like I've never dreamed of!
So, where does this leave me? What's my immediate plan of action? Well, I'm going to drop the communications degree and finish my writing degree, but I'm switching my concentration from "creative nonfiction" to "fiction." And I'll be adding on a degree in music. I'm only two classes away from my Italian minor, so I'll probably finish that up. Since I'm getting started on the music credits so late in the game (I'll be a junior in the fall!) I'll have to take summer classes next summer to fit in all my gen eds. Even still I have to talk to my advisor about squeezing the three-year music major program into two years. (I already tested out of an intro music class by totally acing the theory placement exam! :D Thank you, high school choir classes!) After graduation, I will hopefully be completing a 2-year conservatory program for musical theater so that I'll be ready to hit the stage as soon as I'm done with school. Boston Conservatory has a nice 2-year program, as do a variety of schools in New York City.
Why not study theater at Pitt, you ask? Well, I don't know how much you know about Pitt's theater department, but it's pretty much stuck in the basement of the Cathedral of Learning. That's just how much they care about us. The major description itself admits that it is preparation for further professional training, not immediate entry into the professional world. Besides, if I were to start on a theater major with music minor now, I would definitely have to take a fifth year, and I feel like time's a-wastin' as it is. I don't want to spend prime years of my life that I could be performing sitting in a classroom, ya know? Better to focus on music now and then on acting, I think. Plus that way, even if acting falls through, I'll still be a well-trained musician (and writer).
Meanwhile, I'll be auditioning for shows in Pittsburgh. There are definitely a couple of places where I could get paid, and others where I could not, but the important thing is to start building my acting resume and gain auditioning experience. Ideally, I'll be able to get an Equity card somewhere and start working for real. Next summer I hope to get a job in some amusement park's performing troupe, in which case I'll be taking my gen ed classes online. Or maybe I'll go back to Disneyland and audition to be a Disney princess. ;)
So, that's my story. The timing has been a little crazy as far as interfering with finals week and some personal issues, too, but ultimately, it's been the most exciting decision of my life. And I'm happy about it. I look forward to the future with such hope, such joy. I feel like I can do anything, be anything that I want. And it feels great. :)
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Best Class Ever!
Something unbelievable and wonderful has just happened, and I feel the need to share with everyone.
So, I was actually ON TIME to my history class today. I know that this, in itself, is unbelievable and wonderful, but this is just the beginning. At the start of class, our professor asked us a question hoping to get some discussion going. "Who can summarize the events of the student movement in Paris at such-and-such a time?" No one answered, which if you ask me is not so unusual for a college class, even an honors one like this one. The silence lengthened and he asked us again. "What happened? Anything?" Still no answer. "Nothing? Nothing happened? Niente?" (The class is "Italy, France and Spain in the 20th Century," so the prof sometimes says little phrases in Italian, French, Spanish, or some conglomeration of the three.) When we still didn't reply, he said "Well if you don't know, then I'll just pack up and go home." And then he DID!!! We all sat in the room for a few minutes after he had left, stunned into silence. We exchanged some incredulous looks and a few people justified not being able to do the reading by complaining about the heavy course load (which is legit, because we have an essay due soon that's a response to 3 books that we have to read on top of the readings for class; I certainly hadn't read it). And then we left, about 10 minutes after class had begun.
Is this not wonderful and glorious? Oh this day just could not get better. Ok, yes it could, but it's pretty darn amazing already. Praise God. :D
Monday, February 8, 2010
Snow Day!!
I am currently lying in bed with my eyes half open and my laptop sitting on my stomach propped up on my bent knees. I was about to write a paper for my critical reading class about a passage from Frankenstein that is due at 10:00 today. I didn't write it last night because I was watching the Super Bowl and gorging myself on pizza and mint ice-cream pie (with chocolate crumb crust, tiny Andes mints and chocolate syrup drizzled on top! Deliiiiish!!)
So I was planning on getting up this morning to write the required page or two (I woke up at 5 this morning, fell back asleep, and woke again at 7, and my first class is at 10), but I thought I would check my email first, as usual. If I had been more awake, perhaps my reaction to the following would have been greater:
"According to http://www.pitt.edu/ , the University is closed tomorrow (Monday, February 8) and all classes are cancelled. Accordingly: Examination #1 is moved to Wednesday, February 10,"
but as it was, all I could do was murmur, "Praise God" with a sleepy smile.
My exam is moved to Wednesday. I don't have to commute to Oakland this morning, so I now have 2.5 hours to write the paper instead of >1. I'm going to have time to do my missed readings from last week, choose the novels for my history paper, clean up the clothes I've strewn about my room, and best of all, possibly go sledding in my backyard!!! Praise be, this day just got a whoooole lot better. Somebody up there loves me. He really does.
So I was planning on getting up this morning to write the required page or two (I woke up at 5 this morning, fell back asleep, and woke again at 7, and my first class is at 10), but I thought I would check my email first, as usual. If I had been more awake, perhaps my reaction to the following would have been greater:
"According to http://www.pitt.edu/ , the University is closed tomorrow (Monday, February 8) and all classes are cancelled. Accordingly: Examination #1 is moved to Wednesday, February 10,"
but as it was, all I could do was murmur, "Praise God" with a sleepy smile.
My exam is moved to Wednesday. I don't have to commute to Oakland this morning, so I now have 2.5 hours to write the paper instead of >1. I'm going to have time to do my missed readings from last week, choose the novels for my history paper, clean up the clothes I've strewn about my room, and best of all, possibly go sledding in my backyard!!! Praise be, this day just got a whoooole lot better. Somebody up there loves me. He really does.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Working Wireless???
I spent the last few days of last semester and the first few of this semester fighting a losing battle with Pitt's wireless internet. The whole reason I got the thing was so I would be able to avoid the computer labs and set up camp anywhere, in addition to the fact that I wanted to be able to word process while commuting.
This lil' baby of a laptop doesn't have a CD drive, though, so I couldn't just pop the CD in and let it go. I asked the software distribution desk and they said I might be able to borrow an external drive from the technology help desk, but when I called the help desk the guy insisted that it would be easier to set it up manually.
So, last night instead of studying (yes, I studied on the first day of school: I'm taking this "good student" bit seriously!) I had to take the time to download VeriSign something from Pitt's website and then go through numerous steps which I don't even remember to list here just so I could connect to the internet on campus. AND I still never got an external drive, so I still was unable to upload Microsoft Office, so I still can't word process while commuting unless I download Open Office from the internet which is a sucky word processor that's not compatible with anything. How frustrating.
But, lo and behold, today when I pulled little laptop out of its protective sleeve and swung the top into place, I was finally able to go online while on campus with just a few clicks of "ok" buttons and the entering of my username and password. And now I am blogging to commemorate this momentous occasion. That's all. :)
This lil' baby of a laptop doesn't have a CD drive, though, so I couldn't just pop the CD in and let it go. I asked the software distribution desk and they said I might be able to borrow an external drive from the technology help desk, but when I called the help desk the guy insisted that it would be easier to set it up manually.
So, last night instead of studying (yes, I studied on the first day of school: I'm taking this "good student" bit seriously!) I had to take the time to download VeriSign something from Pitt's website and then go through numerous steps which I don't even remember to list here just so I could connect to the internet on campus. AND I still never got an external drive, so I still was unable to upload Microsoft Office, so I still can't word process while commuting unless I download Open Office from the internet which is a sucky word processor that's not compatible with anything. How frustrating.
But, lo and behold, today when I pulled little laptop out of its protective sleeve and swung the top into place, I was finally able to go online while on campus with just a few clicks of "ok" buttons and the entering of my username and password. And now I am blogging to commemorate this momentous occasion. That's all. :)
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
First Day of School. Sigh.
Last semester ended horribly. I left school feeling stupid and lazy and utterly defeated in almost every class. My grades were the worst they've ever been in my life, and I hate that. I know I shouldn't tie so much self-worth to my performance at school...
But this Christmas break was exactly what I needed. I spent a lot of time doing absolutely nothing. And it was perfect. It really was like having a little summer plopped right in the middle of my year, except it was cold and slushy instead of warm and sunny.
Today was the first day of classes for Pitt. This morning as I waited for the trolley, I felt just like a freshman again. I couldn't put my finger on it until later this evening. I'm... scared. I'm afraid that this semester is going to whup my ass just as bad as the last one did, so afraid that I didn't even want to begin. But begin I did this morning, like it or not.
I can't say that I'm any less afraid just because I got through one day of classes and work. The beginning of the semester is never the hard part; that comes later when you have 2 papers and an exam all due the next day and you have a choir concert that night and of course you've put it off because you're so afraid to begin because you want it to be perfect.
Sigh.
I've organized so so many schedules and techniques to ease the transition and to help make me a better student. I still don't know if any of them will work. It's too soon to tell. And honestly, I don't have any faith in myself anymore, no hope that I will be able to stick with it when it counts. I don't believe that I can change the person I've been for so many years, depending on her smarts to coast through school.
But I can't be that person anymore! I've reached a point where I need to grow and to become more than what I am now. I'm just so afraid of failing at this, too.
But this Christmas break was exactly what I needed. I spent a lot of time doing absolutely nothing. And it was perfect. It really was like having a little summer plopped right in the middle of my year, except it was cold and slushy instead of warm and sunny.
Today was the first day of classes for Pitt. This morning as I waited for the trolley, I felt just like a freshman again. I couldn't put my finger on it until later this evening. I'm... scared. I'm afraid that this semester is going to whup my ass just as bad as the last one did, so afraid that I didn't even want to begin. But begin I did this morning, like it or not.
I can't say that I'm any less afraid just because I got through one day of classes and work. The beginning of the semester is never the hard part; that comes later when you have 2 papers and an exam all due the next day and you have a choir concert that night and of course you've put it off because you're so afraid to begin because you want it to be perfect.
Sigh.
I've organized so so many schedules and techniques to ease the transition and to help make me a better student. I still don't know if any of them will work. It's too soon to tell. And honestly, I don't have any faith in myself anymore, no hope that I will be able to stick with it when it counts. I don't believe that I can change the person I've been for so many years, depending on her smarts to coast through school.
But I can't be that person anymore! I've reached a point where I need to grow and to become more than what I am now. I'm just so afraid of failing at this, too.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Princess Music!
I have compiled a playlist of all the best Disney Princess songs. Check it out!
http://listen.grooveshark.com/#/playlist/Disney+Princesses/7626170/music
I included "Won't Say I'm in Love" from Hercules; Meg shouldn't be left out just because there's no "Disney Goddesses" group. Also "God Help the Outcasts" from Hunchback of Notre Dame because Esmeralda is a princess by the same criteria as Mulan: she married an army officer. I suppose it could be argued that Mulan held an important government position and Esmeralda did not... but as far as marriage goes they are equal. And ok... Thumbelina isn't a Disney Princess... but she is a fairy princess and one of my personal favs.
I have been listening to this playlist as I study because it makes me so nostalgically happy plus singing along is a great stress buster.
http://listen.grooveshark.com/#/playlist/Disney+Princesses/7626170/music
I included "Won't Say I'm in Love" from Hercules; Meg shouldn't be left out just because there's no "Disney Goddesses" group. Also "God Help the Outcasts" from Hunchback of Notre Dame because Esmeralda is a princess by the same criteria as Mulan: she married an army officer. I suppose it could be argued that Mulan held an important government position and Esmeralda did not... but as far as marriage goes they are equal. And ok... Thumbelina isn't a Disney Princess... but she is a fairy princess and one of my personal favs.
I have been listening to this playlist as I study because it makes me so nostalgically happy plus singing along is a great stress buster.
Thursday, December 10, 2009
A New Computer and a Whole New Head of Hair
First and foremost, I think it worth mentioning that thanks to a little help from my birthday money, I am now in possession of a new Toshiba netbook. It is a perfect little thing and for some reason I love blogging from it. I think it makes me feel hip. I acknowledge the fact that it doesn't actually make me hip, but it feels that way. So chances are that most of the times I update my blog from here on in will be from the baby laptop.
Moving on to the actual topic that I wish to address today: my new hair! Nobody probably noticed, because the change is so slight, but I certainly notice and I feel like a supermodel! (a short one... but still ;) I did the flip-head-over-and-cut-straight-across cut on myself a couple of nights ago, and it gave me just the right amount of layers for growing it out. That's right: my long hair is making a comeback! (sometime in the next couple of years...) And then there's the new styling technique...
I have always been a fan of embracing your hair's natural textures and I've encouraged air drying, not brushing after a shower, and using minimal amounts of product. But who knew that my hair + golf-ball-sized poof of mousse + blowdryer with diffuser attached = amazing wavy/curly hair with body and bounce? Woohoo! I've been tossing my hair around all day (subtley... I hope) because it feels so awesome to have such amazing hair on my head. And you know what the best part of all this is? It only takes me about 10 minutes once my hair is towel-dried! I am so pumped about this new discovery. Now if only my hair would hurry up and grow.
Ok, so this post is admittedly pretty superficial, but I think it's worth it to sometimes to look at the surface and praise God for the things we love about our appearances! I mean, He made us look that way for a reason and obviously loves everything about us. So even though it's silly, thank you, sweet Lord for giving me supermodel hair! And a hip computer to blog from. :D hahahahaha
Moving on to the actual topic that I wish to address today: my new hair! Nobody probably noticed, because the change is so slight, but I certainly notice and I feel like a supermodel! (a short one... but still ;) I did the flip-head-over-and-cut-straight-across cut on myself a couple of nights ago, and it gave me just the right amount of layers for growing it out. That's right: my long hair is making a comeback! (sometime in the next couple of years...) And then there's the new styling technique...
I have always been a fan of embracing your hair's natural textures and I've encouraged air drying, not brushing after a shower, and using minimal amounts of product. But who knew that my hair + golf-ball-sized poof of mousse + blowdryer with diffuser attached = amazing wavy/curly hair with body and bounce? Woohoo! I've been tossing my hair around all day (subtley... I hope) because it feels so awesome to have such amazing hair on my head. And you know what the best part of all this is? It only takes me about 10 minutes once my hair is towel-dried! I am so pumped about this new discovery. Now if only my hair would hurry up and grow.
Ok, so this post is admittedly pretty superficial, but I think it's worth it to sometimes to look at the surface and praise God for the things we love about our appearances! I mean, He made us look that way for a reason and obviously loves everything about us. So even though it's silly, thank you, sweet Lord for giving me supermodel hair! And a hip computer to blog from. :D hahahahaha
Busy Busy in a Tizzy
This week as I prepare for finals, I have become ragingly self-centered. Not really in an egotistical way (I hope) but more in a way in which my mind focuses only on what I have to do next. I guess one of the many limitations I'm discovering about myself (though I've suspected it for some time now) is that I have a one-track mind. One thing at a time consumes my very being and I pretty much can think of nothing else. And right now that one thing is school.
As a result, though, I feel like some of my relationships are suffering. I haven't really talked with
either of my older sisters for what feels like a long time. I haven't had time to hang out with any of the usual crowd these past couple of weeks (I skipped bible study! eeek!) and when I get home at night I generally just eat and then work and then sleep. This lack of connection has also extended, unfortunately, to the relationship that means more to me than anything in the world.
Today I went to Mass and tried to stay for a holy hour afterward. I couldn't do it. Even with the King of Kings right there inside my heart I felt not a single thing. I tried to say some prayers and read a little booklet about Mary, but still nothing. I looked straight at the Host in the monstrance but could not get any feelings of respect or love to stir in my heart. After about 15 minutes of this I just left.
I was thinking about this little instance today on the trolley on my way home. It bugged me. I was frustrated with myself and with God. Why is it that some days adoration is amazing and soul-changing and other days it is as though I were sitting in an empty room? Off-days like today make me extremely skeptical about my faith, down to the very basics of what I believe. 'How am I so sure that there is even a God?' I ask myself. It is then that I remember those golden moments in my life when I've never been so sure of anything as of the fact that God reigns over Heaven and Earth and He loves me like no other. I was conjuring up those memories just today to combat the wave of doubt that washed over me, and it was then that I realized that all of those moments have something in common. In each instance, I left myself completely open to what He wanted to say to me. I was unafraid to hear His voice and see His hand in my life and uninhibited by my prideful "knowledge" of the world. Scripture says that "the simple find wisdom," and how many times over this has proven to be true in my own life! For in each of those beautiful moments, tired of the noise of the world, I quieted myself and let simplicity lead the way to His heart.
Once I realized this, I almost laughed out loud at myself. My mind and my heart had certainly not been quiet or simple earlier today. I pictured the Lord as a frustrated lover, wishing that I would just SHUT UP already so He could whisper sweet nothings into my ear. Of course he understands that our human nature sometimes makes it difficult for us to concentrate on abstract things such as Himself... but if we just give it a little effort it's not impossible. The thing is, the love of God never goes away. The love that lived and breathed and bled and died to save us is the same whether we're feeling it overwhelm us or not feeling a thing. The difference usually lies in our hearts (unless God is testing you! in which case your heart is totally open to Him and He still withholds that connected feeling, a.k.a consolation, but this generally occurs later in the spiritual journey to more experienced travelers). So stick it out in your holy hours (if you're doing them. If not you should really look into it! :D). Open your hearts and don't let fear or internal noise keep you away from Him! He desires so much to be near to you! "Behold, I stand at the door and knock..."
As a result, though, I feel like some of my relationships are suffering. I haven't really talked with
either of my older sisters for what feels like a long time. I haven't had time to hang out with any of the usual crowd these past couple of weeks (I skipped bible study! eeek!) and when I get home at night I generally just eat and then work and then sleep. This lack of connection has also extended, unfortunately, to the relationship that means more to me than anything in the world.
Today I went to Mass and tried to stay for a holy hour afterward. I couldn't do it. Even with the King of Kings right there inside my heart I felt not a single thing. I tried to say some prayers and read a little booklet about Mary, but still nothing. I looked straight at the Host in the monstrance but could not get any feelings of respect or love to stir in my heart. After about 15 minutes of this I just left.
I was thinking about this little instance today on the trolley on my way home. It bugged me. I was frustrated with myself and with God. Why is it that some days adoration is amazing and soul-changing and other days it is as though I were sitting in an empty room? Off-days like today make me extremely skeptical about my faith, down to the very basics of what I believe. 'How am I so sure that there is even a God?' I ask myself. It is then that I remember those golden moments in my life when I've never been so sure of anything as of the fact that God reigns over Heaven and Earth and He loves me like no other. I was conjuring up those memories just today to combat the wave of doubt that washed over me, and it was then that I realized that all of those moments have something in common. In each instance, I left myself completely open to what He wanted to say to me. I was unafraid to hear His voice and see His hand in my life and uninhibited by my prideful "knowledge" of the world. Scripture says that "the simple find wisdom," and how many times over this has proven to be true in my own life! For in each of those beautiful moments, tired of the noise of the world, I quieted myself and let simplicity lead the way to His heart.
Once I realized this, I almost laughed out loud at myself. My mind and my heart had certainly not been quiet or simple earlier today. I pictured the Lord as a frustrated lover, wishing that I would just SHUT UP already so He could whisper sweet nothings into my ear. Of course he understands that our human nature sometimes makes it difficult for us to concentrate on abstract things such as Himself... but if we just give it a little effort it's not impossible. The thing is, the love of God never goes away. The love that lived and breathed and bled and died to save us is the same whether we're feeling it overwhelm us or not feeling a thing. The difference usually lies in our hearts (unless God is testing you! in which case your heart is totally open to Him and He still withholds that connected feeling, a.k.a consolation, but this generally occurs later in the spiritual journey to more experienced travelers). So stick it out in your holy hours (if you're doing them. If not you should really look into it! :D). Open your hearts and don't let fear or internal noise keep you away from Him! He desires so much to be near to you! "Behold, I stand at the door and knock..."
Saturday, December 5, 2009
End of the Semester Blues
I haven't written in.... well, a very long time. Obviously. I can't really think of good reason why not. I think I just forgot I had a blog for a while. Plus, as usual, things have been super busy.
I always say that when people ask me, "How've you been?" or "How are things going?" "Busy," is always the reply because it's always true. I'm just putting the finishing touches on my schedule for next semester (one of the classes I added was canceled and I had to find a replacement) so I'm feeling introspective about this topic.
Every time I make a schedule of classes (I've made about 7 now counting high school and the past three semesters) I feel optimistic about the coming year/semester. I get excited. I think, "This semester will be different. This year I will be able to concentrate on my classes the way I've always wanted to, without interruptions. This semester I will enjoy my classes; they all look so interesting! I sincerely want to learn about what each of them has to offer. These classes will make up a big part of my life in the near future."
But that's never the way it happens. Life keeps on going regardless of my class schedule. And no matter how optimistic I am at the beginning, there will always be unexpected deaths in the family, sick days (or weeks, in my case), a friend who needs you to be there even though you have a lot to do. And I will probably get behind and be outrageously stressed out about the very classes I was so looking forward to only a few months before.
It's a hard pill for my idealistic self to swallow. This whole time-management thing so rarely works out the way I want it to. Sometimes I wonder if I really am that busy or if I just... feel that way. I mean, maybe I just can't deal with life's normal ups and downs like most people can. If this is about learning my limitations as a student and as a person, then it's a very humbling experience.
The truth of the matter is, most days I would be perfectly happy to hole myself up in my little office room all day and chill out. I don't mind being alone. But most days that's not really an option, so I keep pulling myself out of bed and going out to fight the good fight. I do want to get a good education. I really do want to learn. It's just the day-to-day grind that sometimes gets me down.
Sorry for the defeated tone of this post. I've just been feeling a bit melancholy lately, I guess. Make-up work always does this to me, and finals are looming on the not-so-distant horizon. Perhaps I should be stronger and try to pull through it with a smile on my face, but you can only smile for so long before your cheeks hurt.
I always say that when people ask me, "How've you been?" or "How are things going?" "Busy," is always the reply because it's always true. I'm just putting the finishing touches on my schedule for next semester (one of the classes I added was canceled and I had to find a replacement) so I'm feeling introspective about this topic.
Every time I make a schedule of classes (I've made about 7 now counting high school and the past three semesters) I feel optimistic about the coming year/semester. I get excited. I think, "This semester will be different. This year I will be able to concentrate on my classes the way I've always wanted to, without interruptions. This semester I will enjoy my classes; they all look so interesting! I sincerely want to learn about what each of them has to offer. These classes will make up a big part of my life in the near future."
But that's never the way it happens. Life keeps on going regardless of my class schedule. And no matter how optimistic I am at the beginning, there will always be unexpected deaths in the family, sick days (or weeks, in my case), a friend who needs you to be there even though you have a lot to do. And I will probably get behind and be outrageously stressed out about the very classes I was so looking forward to only a few months before.
It's a hard pill for my idealistic self to swallow. This whole time-management thing so rarely works out the way I want it to. Sometimes I wonder if I really am that busy or if I just... feel that way. I mean, maybe I just can't deal with life's normal ups and downs like most people can. If this is about learning my limitations as a student and as a person, then it's a very humbling experience.
The truth of the matter is, most days I would be perfectly happy to hole myself up in my little office room all day and chill out. I don't mind being alone. But most days that's not really an option, so I keep pulling myself out of bed and going out to fight the good fight. I do want to get a good education. I really do want to learn. It's just the day-to-day grind that sometimes gets me down.
Sorry for the defeated tone of this post. I've just been feeling a bit melancholy lately, I guess. Make-up work always does this to me, and finals are looming on the not-so-distant horizon. Perhaps I should be stronger and try to pull through it with a smile on my face, but you can only smile for so long before your cheeks hurt.
Monday, October 26, 2009
Crazy Busy Weekend
Ok, so maybe this is just me, but lately my weekends have stopped functioning as weekends and started to behave dangerously like weekdays. No more of those lazy Saturdays, watching TV all day as I filed my nails, ate peanut butter sandwiches, and just generally putzed around. No more beautiful Sundays with naught to do but go to Mass and watch football with a little bit of homework in the evening. Nope. Those days are long gone, and in their absence, insane business reigns supreme!!! Here is what this past weekend looked like for me:
Friday:
5:00 Bible study. I elaborated on the "True Love" study and printed extra copies. It rains and pours and the commons room where we usually meet is closed for a fancy reception. I try to sit by the door that people usually come into but to no avail. No one shows except for one friend of mine. We end up having delightful conversation for an hour anyway.
6:00 Ballroom dance class! The instructor talks for about 40 minutes of the 2 hour class. We do a foxtrot mixer, then a polka mixer, and then we all dance the salsa holding hands in a huge circle. Weird.
8:15 I meet a friend for Indian food (the first time I've had any since last year!) We are hopelessly confused by the menu and end up ordering a combo meal to share. It is more than enough food for both of us. And we have lots of good conversation.
9:30 Start the commute home. Always a pleasure. Not.
Saturday:
11:00 Get a text message from best friend sent at midnight the night before. She is in town this weekend!!!! We make plans via lots of text messages.
12:00 Aforementioned friend picks me up. My hair is still wet due to close proximity of her arrival to my stepping out of the shower. We shop. And talk. A lot.
2:15 I return home. Tidy office space, go through paper stacks while watching online shows at abc.com.
5:00 Make some attempt at cleaning my room so I can leave for Oakland!! Find long-lost favorite locket under my bed. Sweet! Pack an overnight bag.
6:30 Mooch ride off of father to Washington Junction. Catch the 47L. Finish commute into Oakland, ect.
7:45 Arrive at friend's adorable little house. Scarf down dinner of pasta and delicious homemade sauce courtesy of her house-mate. Rush to Steven Foster Memorial!!
8:02 Arrive at the theater. Rush down to redeem comp tickets from work-study. Rush back upstairs to be seated right before the lights go down for DRACULA!!! The costumes look amazing. I feel like a proud mother. :)
10:30 Return to little house for evening of more dinner, tasty desserts and LOTR. Except that we both fall asleep after about half an hour.
Sunday:
8:30 Wake up. Breakfast etc.
9:30 Leave for home. Slow service due to Sunday schedule causes me to wait for almost half an hour for my bus and then again for trolley. Pass the time chatting to one of my lovely sisters on the cellie.
11:00 Waltz into my 3rd grade CCD class late. Luckily my team teacher has got me covered: we both planned lessons for this class! Neither of us planned enough so we combine forces. The result is the best CCD class ever!! We need to work together more often. Lesson for today: the Eucharist. siiiighhhhh.... my favorite thing in the world... Quick review question: What makes the Catholic Church different from every other church in the world? The Eucharist and the Blessed Mother! Never ever let anyone tear you away from these two things!!!
12:30 Return home with family from the church. Check email, get directions, make Mom a card for her birthday.
2:30 Leave for Gemini Theater Company. I have the mini van! woot woot! No public transportation this time! I am going to see "Legend of Sleepy Hollow" in order to finish a writing project I've been working on about the company. Only get lost once and realize right away. Minimal time lost.
3:10 Arrive late. Have to squeeze past a little family of French children who are so engrossed in the performance that their mothers have to pick them up for me to pass. Feel horrible. Endure an hour or so of very mediocre singing and acting.
4:15 Leave the theater for Oakland. Park in St. Paul's parking lot. Mosy over to Camille's for a strawberry smoothie.
5:00 Commence fasting for 6:00 Mass. Spend the time making a holy hour in front of the Tabernacle, which we discussed in great length in class this morning. How beautiful...
6:00 Mass! <3
7:00 Catholic Underground. Good food, good fellowship, good discussion about holiness. Did you know that because "all life, all holiness comes from You [God]," the extent to which we are holy is the extent to which we allow Christ to rule our hearts and the extent to which we imitate Him? Just some food for thought. :)
10:00 Return home after putting 5 dollars of my own money into the gas tank. There is a first time for everything...
Monday:
7:30 alarm goes off. Lie in bed wishing I didn't have to get up. What happened to the weekend?
8:15 get out of bed after almost punching my alarm clock when it went off for the 10th time.
And here I am. This weekend would have filled any extrovert up with joy and energy, but I just feel exhausted and worn down. Boo.
Well, I'm going to Mass now. If anyone can lift my dragging spirits, He can.
Friday:
5:00 Bible study. I elaborated on the "True Love" study and printed extra copies. It rains and pours and the commons room where we usually meet is closed for a fancy reception. I try to sit by the door that people usually come into but to no avail. No one shows except for one friend of mine. We end up having delightful conversation for an hour anyway.
6:00 Ballroom dance class! The instructor talks for about 40 minutes of the 2 hour class. We do a foxtrot mixer, then a polka mixer, and then we all dance the salsa holding hands in a huge circle. Weird.
8:15 I meet a friend for Indian food (the first time I've had any since last year!) We are hopelessly confused by the menu and end up ordering a combo meal to share. It is more than enough food for both of us. And we have lots of good conversation.
9:30 Start the commute home. Always a pleasure. Not.
Saturday:
11:00 Get a text message from best friend sent at midnight the night before. She is in town this weekend!!!! We make plans via lots of text messages.
12:00 Aforementioned friend picks me up. My hair is still wet due to close proximity of her arrival to my stepping out of the shower. We shop. And talk. A lot.
2:15 I return home. Tidy office space, go through paper stacks while watching online shows at abc.com.
5:00 Make some attempt at cleaning my room so I can leave for Oakland!! Find long-lost favorite locket under my bed. Sweet! Pack an overnight bag.
6:30 Mooch ride off of father to Washington Junction. Catch the 47L. Finish commute into Oakland, ect.
7:45 Arrive at friend's adorable little house. Scarf down dinner of pasta and delicious homemade sauce courtesy of her house-mate. Rush to Steven Foster Memorial!!
8:02 Arrive at the theater. Rush down to redeem comp tickets from work-study. Rush back upstairs to be seated right before the lights go down for DRACULA!!! The costumes look amazing. I feel like a proud mother. :)
10:30 Return to little house for evening of more dinner, tasty desserts and LOTR. Except that we both fall asleep after about half an hour.
Sunday:
8:30 Wake up. Breakfast etc.
9:30 Leave for home. Slow service due to Sunday schedule causes me to wait for almost half an hour for my bus and then again for trolley. Pass the time chatting to one of my lovely sisters on the cellie.
11:00 Waltz into my 3rd grade CCD class late. Luckily my team teacher has got me covered: we both planned lessons for this class! Neither of us planned enough so we combine forces. The result is the best CCD class ever!! We need to work together more often. Lesson for today: the Eucharist. siiiighhhhh.... my favorite thing in the world... Quick review question: What makes the Catholic Church different from every other church in the world? The Eucharist and the Blessed Mother! Never ever let anyone tear you away from these two things!!!
12:30 Return home with family from the church. Check email, get directions, make Mom a card for her birthday.
2:30 Leave for Gemini Theater Company. I have the mini van! woot woot! No public transportation this time! I am going to see "Legend of Sleepy Hollow" in order to finish a writing project I've been working on about the company. Only get lost once and realize right away. Minimal time lost.
3:10 Arrive late. Have to squeeze past a little family of French children who are so engrossed in the performance that their mothers have to pick them up for me to pass. Feel horrible. Endure an hour or so of very mediocre singing and acting.
4:15 Leave the theater for Oakland. Park in St. Paul's parking lot. Mosy over to Camille's for a strawberry smoothie.
5:00 Commence fasting for 6:00 Mass. Spend the time making a holy hour in front of the Tabernacle, which we discussed in great length in class this morning. How beautiful...
6:00 Mass! <3
7:00 Catholic Underground. Good food, good fellowship, good discussion about holiness. Did you know that because "all life, all holiness comes from You [God]," the extent to which we are holy is the extent to which we allow Christ to rule our hearts and the extent to which we imitate Him? Just some food for thought. :)
10:00 Return home after putting 5 dollars of my own money into the gas tank. There is a first time for everything...
Monday:
7:30 alarm goes off. Lie in bed wishing I didn't have to get up. What happened to the weekend?
8:15 get out of bed after almost punching my alarm clock when it went off for the 10th time.
And here I am. This weekend would have filled any extrovert up with joy and energy, but I just feel exhausted and worn down. Boo.
Well, I'm going to Mass now. If anyone can lift my dragging spirits, He can.
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Nostalgia
The only explanation I can give for posting two blogs right in a row like this is that I'm supposed to be writing a paper right now. So ya.
The following is an exercise we did in my writing class: we had to draw a map of the earliest neighborhood/house/yard that we lived in and remembered, and then write about a scene that the map reminded you of. As I sketched the lines of my old backyard, where I spent 7 wonderfully happy years from the ages of 2 - 9, scads of memories came flooding back to me like "memories from a dream," as Anastasia would say. There were so many that I couldn't decide which one to write about! But I finally chose this one: (please keep in mind that this was an in-class activity, so there was absolutely no proofreading or revision involved :p)
We just ate dinner. The dishes are washed and it's time for dessert. The sun is setting. Mom grabs a box of Klondikes from the freezer. Dad takes the lawn chairs from the playhouse where they're stored. We all walk up the hill, past the swingset and the garden. Tiny white petals float from the crab-apple tree in Florence's yard, the one she doesn't mind if we climb. It looks like snow, but the air is warm, the earth giving off the heat of the day in a gentler, softer way. We reach the top. Mom and Dad sit in the lawn chairs. We kids sit on the grass. Or stand. Mom hands out the Klondikes. I unwrap mine completely and hold it with both hands, the chocolate already melting on my fingertips. I try to be neat but it's absolutely hopeless. Melted ice cream dribbles down my hands, my face. I decide I don't actually like Klondikes very much. But it doesn't matter. I look up to see our neighborhood spread out before us like a magic carpet, bathed in the pink and orange glow of the setting sun.
The following is an exercise we did in my writing class: we had to draw a map of the earliest neighborhood/house/yard that we lived in and remembered, and then write about a scene that the map reminded you of. As I sketched the lines of my old backyard, where I spent 7 wonderfully happy years from the ages of 2 - 9, scads of memories came flooding back to me like "memories from a dream," as Anastasia would say. There were so many that I couldn't decide which one to write about! But I finally chose this one: (please keep in mind that this was an in-class activity, so there was absolutely no proofreading or revision involved :p)
We just ate dinner. The dishes are washed and it's time for dessert. The sun is setting. Mom grabs a box of Klondikes from the freezer. Dad takes the lawn chairs from the playhouse where they're stored. We all walk up the hill, past the swingset and the garden. Tiny white petals float from the crab-apple tree in Florence's yard, the one she doesn't mind if we climb. It looks like snow, but the air is warm, the earth giving off the heat of the day in a gentler, softer way. We reach the top. Mom and Dad sit in the lawn chairs. We kids sit on the grass. Or stand. Mom hands out the Klondikes. I unwrap mine completely and hold it with both hands, the chocolate already melting on my fingertips. I try to be neat but it's absolutely hopeless. Melted ice cream dribbles down my hands, my face. I decide I don't actually like Klondikes very much. But it doesn't matter. I look up to see our neighborhood spread out before us like a magic carpet, bathed in the pink and orange glow of the setting sun.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Comfort
Last night, I had a series of really horrible dreams. Some samples:
1) My house was under invasion by all sorts of monsters and evil beings and try as my family might, we could not fend them off.
2) My dad DIED while I was at some sort of 8-day camp. Nobody told me, and by the time I got home he was gone and buried and my Mom had a new boyfriend already. (Mother dear assured me that that would never ever happen in real life when I told her this morning, accompanying her assurance with the exclamation, "gross!" Praise God for my wonderful mother!)
3)The Servants of the Pierced Hearts were under house arrest during the Nazi invasion in a house with no bathroom, only a small shower in the wall.
I have never in my life been so happy to hear my alarm clock's cheerful beeping. As I pulled the covers off and shuffled to the bathroom to brush my teeth, I realized that, comparatively, my life really is not bad at all. Sure, commuting sucks, but at least my dad isn't dead and my house isn't under attack. As I climbed on the trolley this morning, I felt truly happy for the first time since school started. I most certainly can make the best of things.
And one more thing:
I pray a rosary every morning on the trolley. Usually I keep the beads enclosed in my palm, with only a few peeking out over my thumb and forefinger as I count the decade out. But today, I let my rosary fall loosely over my lap. I made the sign of the cross joyfully and noticeably. No more hiding. I'm ready to show the world my faith. Is this display in response to my dreams of last night? Perhaps. For without God, all things seem impossibly bleak.
1) My house was under invasion by all sorts of monsters and evil beings and try as my family might, we could not fend them off.
2) My dad DIED while I was at some sort of 8-day camp. Nobody told me, and by the time I got home he was gone and buried and my Mom had a new boyfriend already. (Mother dear assured me that that would never ever happen in real life when I told her this morning, accompanying her assurance with the exclamation, "gross!" Praise God for my wonderful mother!)
3)The Servants of the Pierced Hearts were under house arrest during the Nazi invasion in a house with no bathroom, only a small shower in the wall.
I have never in my life been so happy to hear my alarm clock's cheerful beeping. As I pulled the covers off and shuffled to the bathroom to brush my teeth, I realized that, comparatively, my life really is not bad at all. Sure, commuting sucks, but at least my dad isn't dead and my house isn't under attack. As I climbed on the trolley this morning, I felt truly happy for the first time since school started. I most certainly can make the best of things.
And one more thing:
I pray a rosary every morning on the trolley. Usually I keep the beads enclosed in my palm, with only a few peeking out over my thumb and forefinger as I count the decade out. But today, I let my rosary fall loosely over my lap. I made the sign of the cross joyfully and noticeably. No more hiding. I'm ready to show the world my faith. Is this display in response to my dreams of last night? Perhaps. For without God, all things seem impossibly bleak.
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Commuting...
sucks. It's been a day and a half now, and it's really getting on my nerves. Seriously, I need to devote 2 hours of my life every day to travel from my house to my classes and back again? Not fun. Not at all fun.
I waited for a trolley for over twenty minutes this morning!!!! What is that all about?? I was 10 minutes late to my first class this morning because of it. And what if I oversleep? There is no throw-on-some-clothes-and-walk-5-minutes option now. Nope. No room for mistakes.
Also, I am on campus with 3 1/2 hours of free time and nowhere to go chill out. I miss my little room. I have to sit in the computer lab and blog instead of watching old episodes of Scrubs. Boo.
Plus also, I forgot my Pitt ID today, so I had to shell out $4.60 to get here this morning, and tonight I'm gonna have to shell out $4.60 more to get home. That's almost $10 down the tubes!!! I could have bought a journal with that money! Or makeup! Or food! Or ANYTHING but bus and trolley fare!!! Ooo I'm so angry. >:(
And also, I don't have a meal plan anymore, so I'm going to have to pay real money for my dinner tonight. Argh!
I waited for a trolley for over twenty minutes this morning!!!! What is that all about?? I was 10 minutes late to my first class this morning because of it. And what if I oversleep? There is no throw-on-some-clothes-and-walk-5-minutes option now. Nope. No room for mistakes.
Also, I am on campus with 3 1/2 hours of free time and nowhere to go chill out. I miss my little room. I have to sit in the computer lab and blog instead of watching old episodes of Scrubs. Boo.
Plus also, I forgot my Pitt ID today, so I had to shell out $4.60 to get here this morning, and tonight I'm gonna have to shell out $4.60 more to get home. That's almost $10 down the tubes!!! I could have bought a journal with that money! Or makeup! Or food! Or ANYTHING but bus and trolley fare!!! Ooo I'm so angry. >:(
And also, I don't have a meal plan anymore, so I'm going to have to pay real money for my dinner tonight. Argh!
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
A Change and a Sacrifice
Times have certainly been tough lately. The price of college is going up, the amount of money in my bank account is going way down, and on top of it all, my financial aid package dropped $10,000 this year.
Shocking, right? I didn't see this coming at all. What was dropped? The government grants. So much for the stimulus package, eh? Also I lost my academic competitiveness grant, because my GPA went down from a 3.7 to a 3.4 (my cumulative is still a 3.5). I thought my grades were pretty good considering that throughout the course of spring semester I was in the hospital twice and had to deal with the death of my 19-year-old cousin. But the numbers don't tell you that.
So, what to do now? Well, for a while I didn't even think I would be able to stay in college. There's just no source of income that could cover that extra fee. My parents and I looked over the possibilities. Take a year to work? Work every night and weekend? Find a massive scholarship in the next couple months? What it finally came down to was this: I am moving home to become a commuter student.
Yes, it sucks. Of course I don't want to give up my independence, my freedom and my space to move back in with my parents. But I'm saving about $8000. So that's the way it's gotta be. I don't really have much of a choice.
The thing is, I can see the good in this, too. During my time with the nuns, the superior and I talked a lot about the time between now and when my vocation (whatever it may be) is realized. The truth of the matter is that college life is not really a good formation period for either vocation. Four years of doing what you want to do when you want to do it does not teach you anything about responsibility, humility, or sacrifice, all things that are absolutely essential to married and religious life. These next few years, though they will inevitably be difficult, will also be a period of great growth for me if I allow them to be. I can learn many virtues by living at home, patience, humility, and docility being at the top of the list! I cringe as I look at those words written out. How uncomfortable they seem to me now! Yet the Lord has said that the virtue that comforts Him most, when it seems that our hearts are full of sin, is humility. Though our sins beat him mercilessly when He enters our hearts through the Eucharist, He is able to recline on our virtues to rest, and He loves humility most of all. Perhaps by the time I graduate or move out again, I will have learned to love this virtue as He does.
Shocking, right? I didn't see this coming at all. What was dropped? The government grants. So much for the stimulus package, eh? Also I lost my academic competitiveness grant, because my GPA went down from a 3.7 to a 3.4 (my cumulative is still a 3.5). I thought my grades were pretty good considering that throughout the course of spring semester I was in the hospital twice and had to deal with the death of my 19-year-old cousin. But the numbers don't tell you that.
So, what to do now? Well, for a while I didn't even think I would be able to stay in college. There's just no source of income that could cover that extra fee. My parents and I looked over the possibilities. Take a year to work? Work every night and weekend? Find a massive scholarship in the next couple months? What it finally came down to was this: I am moving home to become a commuter student.
Yes, it sucks. Of course I don't want to give up my independence, my freedom and my space to move back in with my parents. But I'm saving about $8000. So that's the way it's gotta be. I don't really have much of a choice.
The thing is, I can see the good in this, too. During my time with the nuns, the superior and I talked a lot about the time between now and when my vocation (whatever it may be) is realized. The truth of the matter is that college life is not really a good formation period for either vocation. Four years of doing what you want to do when you want to do it does not teach you anything about responsibility, humility, or sacrifice, all things that are absolutely essential to married and religious life. These next few years, though they will inevitably be difficult, will also be a period of great growth for me if I allow them to be. I can learn many virtues by living at home, patience, humility, and docility being at the top of the list! I cringe as I look at those words written out. How uncomfortable they seem to me now! Yet the Lord has said that the virtue that comforts Him most, when it seems that our hearts are full of sin, is humility. Though our sins beat him mercilessly when He enters our hearts through the Eucharist, He is able to recline on our virtues to rest, and He loves humility most of all. Perhaps by the time I graduate or move out again, I will have learned to love this virtue as He does.
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