Last semester ended horribly. I left school feeling stupid and lazy and utterly defeated in almost every class. My grades were the worst they've ever been in my life, and I hate that. I know I shouldn't tie so much self-worth to my performance at school...
But this Christmas break was exactly what I needed. I spent a lot of time doing absolutely nothing. And it was perfect. It really was like having a little summer plopped right in the middle of my year, except it was cold and slushy instead of warm and sunny.
Today was the first day of classes for Pitt. This morning as I waited for the trolley, I felt just like a freshman again. I couldn't put my finger on it until later this evening. I'm... scared. I'm afraid that this semester is going to whup my ass just as bad as the last one did, so afraid that I didn't even want to begin. But begin I did this morning, like it or not.
I can't say that I'm any less afraid just because I got through one day of classes and work. The beginning of the semester is never the hard part; that comes later when you have 2 papers and an exam all due the next day and you have a choir concert that night and of course you've put it off because you're so afraid to begin because you want it to be perfect.
Sigh.
I've organized so so many schedules and techniques to ease the transition and to help make me a better student. I still don't know if any of them will work. It's too soon to tell. And honestly, I don't have any faith in myself anymore, no hope that I will be able to stick with it when it counts. I don't believe that I can change the person I've been for so many years, depending on her smarts to coast through school.
But I can't be that person anymore! I've reached a point where I need to grow and to become more than what I am now. I'm just so afraid of failing at this, too.
I feel the same way. The first day of school is always nerve racking. It's your first impression for your teachers and students, and it's your image for the rest of the semester.
ReplyDeleteYou always want to do better, but you always end up doing the same or worse. It's really hard. But I believe in you!
You are most certainly not alone. Count me in on just about all of your sentiments above.
ReplyDeleteI have faith in you, Janie-pooh. You have been wise since you were a tot. And you've always been a freakin' genius. :)
ReplyDeleteDear Janay,
ReplyDeleteThough your self worth does not come from grades, it is a measure of your efforts, in most cases. It is important to remember that it is a battle to do well in school, as it is in anything. Your efforts to succeed are necessary and your desire to beat the system, not have it beat you!
As you implied, planning and work make RATNASAC possible to get good grades (Read And Take Notes And Study, All Concurrently!!)
RATNASAC!!!!!
LYF,
Brad the Rad