ADHD Things

As previously mentioned, I have recently been diagnosed with ADHD.  So far, it has been absolutely fantastic.  Hm, let me rephrase that.  Finally knowing what is going on in my brain has been fantastic.  Turns out, I am not lazy or unmotivated.  I legitimately have a condition which very often prevents me from focusing on anything and thus prevents me from achieving at the highest level possible.  I've been reading the book Delivered from Distraction by Dr. Edward Hallowell, an expert on this disorder, and I'm realizing that a lot of things that I thought were just me, just the way I work, are actually symptoms of ADHD.  Here are a few (taken from pages 40-47, the ADD Self-Assessment Quiz, and a couple of other places in the book.  Sorry, I'm bad at annotating things...):

- When sitting, I fidgit a lot, and I always have.  I am actually just now realizing that I am almost constantly in motion.
- It is unusually torturous for me to sit still and pay attention for any prolonged period of time, i.e. in a classroom/lecture hall.  After about 20-30 minutes I am ready for a change of scene.
-  Along those lines, I feel I could pay better attention at lectures/presentations if I could get up and pace around. (I always pace around when I'm on the phone or waiting for things, too.)
- My education since high school has been ripe with underachievement, usually because of poor organization and trouble getting to class on time/at all, aside from the primary trouble of focusing on lectures and homework.
- I LOVE driving, especially fast.  It helps me think; it's like the fog lifts.  The same goes for walking.
- Sometimes my thoughts go so fast, my "mental organizer" can't keep up.
- Sometimes I focus extraordinarily well, even superfocus, but I also get frustrated because I can't make myself superfocus on demand.
- My schoolbag, desk, bookshelves, room, closet, etc, are all a MESS.
- I have a razor-sharp memory one moment only to be foggy and absentminded the next.
- I prefer work in intense bursts rather than prolonged intervals.
- I sometimes smile in a conversation in hopes that it will be a sufficient contribution, because I have totally lost track of what is being talked about. (I never realized how often I space out until this diagnosis!!!  It happens all the freakin' time!!!)
- I do that change-the-subject-out-of-nowhere thing during conversations, because I always have other things spinning around in the back of my mind, even if I am completely tuned in to the conversation.  I've gotten good at recognizing this and warning people, though.
- I waste vast quantities of time roaming around on the Internet, sending and receiving e-mails, playing electronic games, and otherwise diverting myself from what I originally sat down at my computer to do.
- No matter how hard I try to be on time, I am usually late.
- I have trouble sticking with one task until it is done.

There are lots more, but those are some of the most prominent and interesting ones, I think.  Usually, the next question to pop up is, "Aren't most people somewhat like this?"  Dr. Hallowell answers this question as follows:

The diagnosis of ADD is based not upon the presence of these symptoms - which most people have now and then - but upon the intensity and duration of the symptoms.  If you have symptoms intensely, as compared to a group of your peers, and if you have had them all your life, you may have ADD.  An apt comparison can be made with depression.  While everyone has been sad, not everyone has been depressed.  The difference lies in the intensity and duration of the sadness. So it is with ADD.  If you are intensely distractible, and have been forever, you may have ADD.

 According to Hallowell, "roughly 5 to 8 percent of the American population has ADD."  Although it is true that "its [ADD's] symptoms abound in modern life," only this small percentage experience symptoms severe enough to warrant a diagnosis and treatment such as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy or medication.  That being said, there are loads of ways to deal with ADD that do not involve medication, so if you have ADD tendencies, there are still tricks for dealing with those things.  I think they are addressed in this book somewhere (I haven't gotten through it yet), but a lot of it is just understanding how your brain works and what your limitations are.

Ok, that is all.  I am quite fascinated by this new discovery, so there may be more posts along these lines in the future.

My Life in Lists

Here is what I love:
- sleeping, especially NAPS, especially when I didn't sleep a lot the night before
- EATING.  Praise God for my young, fast metabolism and my love for walking everywhere, cuz without them I'd be fat.  Fat, fat, fat.   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gspaoaecNAg  1:37
- the above video
- when my room is clean.  Not like it is now.  :(
- snakes.  I want this watch:
http://www.kohls.com/upgrade/webstore/zoom_popup.jsp?productId=845524892628598
and this pet:

I'm pretty sure this is a phase.  I have, in the past few years, gone through the following phases of wanting pets: rabbit, russian song canary, pit bull, ferret, black cat.  I never end up getting one.  Anyway, I still have my little blue bird, Jacqueline, and she still sings to me some mornings. Usually just because she wants her breakfast, though.

- this: http://emailga.me/  

Big Doings

- Closing night of Into the Woods is tonight.  I will admit that much as I dislike Sondheim, I am going to miss people from the cast/crew/pit.  That's as far as I'm going along that mushy route.

- I was officially diagnosed with adult ADHD about a week ago.  This explains a lot, if you ask me.  

- I am a part-time student now.  I forgot to mention it on this blog a few weeks ago when I dropped 9 of my 15 credits.  Hopefully this will mean more work which means more money!  And less self-loathing due to being behind in school.

- I am auditioning to transfer into the American Musical and Dramatic Academy for musical theater in New York City!  Also Point Park.  I have auditions with both schools this month.

Songs that have been stuck in my head this week:
- Pretty Girl Rock by Keri Hilson - current favorite... "My name is Keri, I'm so very fly, oh my, it's a little bit scary... girls think I'm conceited cuz I know I'm attractive... don't hate me cuz I'm beautiful"  sigh, story of my life ;D
- Strauss's Pizzicato Polka - we are singing an arrangement of it in HCC and it is SO CUTE that I can't help but giggle and bob my head back and forth when I hear it/sing it.  Shows up at 3:20 or so of this little clip: http://www.mojvideo.com/video-sylvester-mouse-mazurka/4acf8004e425b7b7d2ec
- One More Kiss from Sondheim's "Follies" - singing this for my AMDA audition, so I've been practicing singing out those high As!
- When Somebody Loved Me from Toy Story 2 - I have a certain composer/arranger friend of mine to thank for this... He has a knack for introducing suck-the-happiness-out-of-you sad songs into my life. :p

Spring Break Goals:
- clean my room
- find a way to buy snake watch
- knock my AMDA audition out of the park (it's on Sunday)
- go to confession
- decide what to do for Lent (starts on Wednesday!)
- receive the books and boots I ordered in the mail (don't you love goals that don't require any work?  haha I do!)
- find a summer job?

Recent Adventures

In the past few days I've had some little adventures which I would like to share.


Cockroach
On Thursday, I was working in the costume shop, which is in the basement of the Cathedral of Learning.  Not the nice ground floor that most people think is the basement, with the coffee shop and the computer labs, but the real basement, where there are no windows or doors to the outside except the loading dock.  The costume shop, as I have mentioned before, is in the very center of this floor.  Just some background info.
Anyway, I was working in the shop when I noticed a rather large cockroach on its back a few feet away from me.  It was struggling to right itself unsuccessfully, its flailing legs grabbing nothing but air and dust bunnies.  The rest of the shop was busy with a fitting, so I said nothing.  I figured it couldn't go anywhere while it was stuck on its back like that, anyway.
Later in the day, I noticed a stink bug crawling on my boss's notebook.  She had said that there were a lot of these little brown bugs on the stuff she had bought at a thrift store just this morning, so I wasn't surprised to see it but I thought I should at least let her know, since the fitting was now over.  She freaked out a little bit, decreed that it needed to be killed, and went to get the bug spray.  Since she couldn't find the spray and she didn't want the stink bug to get away, she grabbed what appeared to be the next  best thing: tacky spray, a kind of spray glue in an aerosol can.  She went to town on that little bug, spraying it from all angles with this sticky spray.  While she was at it, I thought I'd inform her of the cockroach that was still on its back under a clothing rack.  She freaked out a little more and then sprayed it, too.  Sometime during the spraying, it managed to flip over, but it couldn't exactly move, because it was now glued to the floor.  Actually, both bugs were now glued to place where she sprayed them, and neither was dead.  I guess tacky spray isn't toxic after all.
We were now faced with the dilemma of finishing the job in the least messy way possible.  My boss got rid of the stinkbug by throwing away the page of her notebook it was glued to, and a fellow workstudy and I were left to dispose of the cockroach.  Ah, how to proceed?
After considering several methods (and poking the cockroach with a piece of paper for a while), here is what we did:
a) He folded up a paper towel, laid it on top of the glued-down cockroach, and stepped on it repeatedly.   It crunched.
b) He lifted the paper towel, much to everyone's disgust.
c) He wiped away what wasn't stuck to the floor with another paper towel.
d) I doused the stuck-to-the-floor remains with adhesive remover.
e) We waited one minute.
f) He wiped up what he could with more paper towels.
g) I doused it again.  (There were still antennae and legs stuck to the floor.)
h) We waited another minute.
i) He wiped up the remainder of that poor unfortunate cockroach.  What a way to go.
This sequence, of course, does not include the abundance of screaming and general causing-of-a-scene that went on in addition to these steps.  What did you expect?  We're all theatre people.


Blues Dancing
Later that night, I went to CMU's Chicken Swing, which as I have mentioned in the past is an excellent way to get my dancing fix, especially because by Thursday night, I need to dance.  We learned blues dancing, which is kind of a looser form of tango with a bit of swing mixed in.  Maybe.  I don't really know the proper definition or the roots of the dance, but I know that it's pretty darn fun.  No, "fun" isn't really the right word for it, because it's not as fast-paced and exhilarating as some other forms of dance.  It seems like it would be good for late at night, when you're getting a little tired but want to keep dancing.
Here are the things I really like about blues dancing:
- It's pretty simple to learn.  There's no basic step, really, just the pulse of the music and keeping with that.  And keeping with your lead, obviously, if you're a follow.
- The follow has a bit more freedom in this dance.  In most partner dances, it's completely about listening to the lead and following what he wants you to do, but in this there is a bit more leeway.  Of course, you maintain a connection and stay with him in general, but if you want to get the hips going or stylize a little bit, it's all fair game.
- The hold is so close!  I prefer this; I think it's easier to maintain the connection and to feel the lead.  Nope, I have no qualms about getting very close to a perfect stranger.  Is that weird?  Well either way, I very much enjoyed getting close to my dance partners last night.

Vitamins
     I know that I should take vitamins.  I learned that while I was in Africa.  But even here in the States, where my diet consists of much more than rice and red sauce, I really should be supplementing it in some way.  But I hate those huge pills... so I usually don't.  Thus, gummy vitamins.  I decided that that was the solution to this dilemma.  But I haven't done anything about it yet.  I decided this about 3 months ago...
     So, last night I returned from dancing, and my housemate had been shopping.  And she bought... drum roll please...  DISNEY PRINCESSES GUMMY VITAMINS!!!!!!!!  I am so happy about this.  One of my career goals is to be a Disney Princess, so I think it's a good idea to take princess vitamins.  You know.  ;)

Puppies

     On Friday a friend of mine and I went to a house in the neighborhood around Mercy Hospital to look at some 2-month-old pit bull puppies.  I was answering an ad in the Pitt News, so I had no idea who these people were or where their house was.  Everyone I told about this said it sounded sketch, but I was determined.  I called my wonderful daddy and told him the exact address where we'd be and that I would call him when we were done.  

     Everything turned out fine, of course.  The breeders were really nice people who answered all my silly questions about their puppies and their other pets and training and on and on.  And the puppies were absolutely adorable.  I got right on the floor and played with them for most of our visit, so by the time we left my hands and arms looked like I had been mauled by a very small tiger.  Totally worth it.

Smiling

     Friday morning, I ran into a friend of mine on my way to my 11am class, and as usual, I smiled at her.  But this time, it was real.  I've gotten pretty good at faking it, and lately I've had plenty of opportunities to do so.  I don't think I've genuinely smiled, as an expression of joy that I felt in my heart, for almost a month. But I am smiling for real again.  I'm glad.  I was getting so tired of pretending to be happy.

New Phone

     Good ol' Dad renewed our contract with Sprint, so I got a sweet awesome Samsung Seek absolutely free!!!  I was hesitant to graduate to a qwerty keyboard and touchscreen after two years with my standard flip phone, but I am adjusting very quickly and I like it a whole lot. It has a blue ribbon of color running around the outside, and the inside when you slide it open is also blue.  I like to think that Mary has her mantle wrapped around my little phone.  Maybe that's silly.  I don't care. :)

There are more, but those are the best ones.  More to come, perhaps.

Reevaluating

That girl...
with lots of eyeliner
in the sexy heels
with the tears in her eyes...
that isn't me.


When did I stop smiling?  When did I stop caring?  When did these walls go up?
Maybe I could name a specific date and time...
but maybe it's also been a process...
a process that now needs to come undone.

But do I want to undo it?

Oh, God, listen to me. I am so angsty.

Surviving

I know I haven't posted in a long time.  It's actually because I haven't had anything positive to say.  My life has been... difficult lately, and a lot of mornings it's all I can do to pull myself out of bed to face another day.  I wish I could go into details and pour my heart out to you, readers, but it would just be so inappropriate.  Just please, keep me in your prayers.
Here are some things that are keeping me going:
- my family.  They are the best.  Really.  I don't know what I would do without them.  My mom and older sisters have been calling me with great frequency just to ask how I'm doing.  I have two wonderful brothers who are just amazing young men.  And that little sister of mine. She's such a sass, and I taught her everything she knows.  And she's getting so grown up and so beautiful!  But most especially, I am grateful for the gift of my father right now.  What a good man he is.  He has been so faithful to our family, so loving, so hardworking, so generous.  And when a girl's heart is lying in pieces around her, sometimes a hug from her daddy is just the thing to make it a little better...
- my faith.  Ya, it had to be said.  God and I are... maybe not as tight as we used to be.  But we still talk.  Honestly, it's Mamma Mary who's pulling me through this time.  And I know that she's very close to her Son/Husband/Father.  It's great how God is all three to her, isn't it?  So as long as I stay wrapped in her mantle... I think I'll be ok.
- music.  Yes, this also makes me cry a lot.  But more often it brings a sweet release of all the tensions and stresses of my life.  My favorite is to go into St. Paul's when no one else is there and just revel in the sound of my voice reverberating through the glorious space above my head.  It's like... releasing pieces of my soul.  My favorite right now is Bach's Ave Maria in the key of G major.  (I know that because after I finished singing I whipped out my tuning fork, which I always have with me now, and found what key I was in just by listening to A 440 and doing the math.  Hells yes, I am a music major now!!!  Also I just found out that that's the key it was originally published in.  It's a sign.) Today when I was singing there two people walked in and knelt down to pray in the middle of a song.  I wasn't sure what to do so... I finished the song.  Then I left feeling kind of embarrassed.  Usually I only let God hear me when I'm singing like that.
- my bird.  Sure, she bites me when I try to touch her, but every morning, she sings along to my alarm clock, and sometimes it's quite nice to wake up to birdsong.
- dancing!  I went to Chicken Swing at CMU last Thursday night and did some lindy hoppin'.  It was so lovely to forget about everything for a few hours and just dance.  I am also a regular attendee of the Panther Tango Club, which I love.  I think tango is my favorite kind of dance.  It's so passionate and tender.  Also the endorphines from these two excursions kept me in an "up" mood for several days.  The only drug I can afford...

Now I'd like to talk a little bit about school.  I have apparently stopped caring about it.  I haven't done homework in over a week.  Except for a little composition project.  Hells yes.  I am a music major now. ;) Anywho, this lack of caring about classes is especially unfortunate because my good side pleaded with my professors on Friday for extensions on all the papers and homeworks I haven't turned in, while the bad me doesn't give a damn and is blogging right now instead of working on her long-overdue homework.  And I'm honestly feeling pretty sleepy (not from wine this time) so I think I'm going to go to bed and try to wake up early to finish it.  If I care tomorrow.  Which is a tossup at this point.
Ooo it's thundering.  How wonderful.  I do love a good storm.

New Chapter

I know the name of this post is super cheesy, but I couldn't think of anything else to call this collection of musings about my current state.  I've just moved into my new house, for good this time, and connected to the internet successfully, and I feel quite contemplative.
I woke up this morning really missing Africa.  The goodbye is just feeling so real today.  I am quick to adapt but slow to truly change.  This was apparent in the way I quickly embraced African culture and lifestyle, but right at the end of the month I began to struggle because I needed to adjust on a deeper level to be comfortable again.  So it is now; I was quick to adapt to my previous lifestyle once back in the States, but it's taken a little longer for the change to really sink in.  It's really starting to hit me that I am probably not going back to Ghana for a really long time.  And I miss it.  I miss it so friggin much.
Sigh.
I am so super glad to be living in this house, though.  My loan was finally dispersed today, so I can pay my rent.  Phew!  My boxes are still piled up in the closet and in the living room, but I don't care.  I know that eventually my organizational self will create some kind of order to it all.  And I feel that I have time to do that for once.  For some reason, all my other moves felt rushed... which doesn't make any sense because I definitely had time after both of them to make sure things got to their places.  Maybe because I moved my furniture in last week and I just have to put stuff in/on it now.  Either way.  I feel good about this.
And while we're on the subject of things I feel good about, allow me to say that I am pee-in-my-pants excited to start classes!  I'm going to be a music major!  Me!  Who saw that coming??  Oh, I'm so happy.  I've never been this excited for school to start in my whole life, I think.  I'm going to like what I'm studying.  Absolutely unheard of!  Oh God, I cannot think of it too much, or I'll never get to sleep.  I'm like a kid on Christmas Eve.  And my presents?  Music!  Choir rehearsals!  Voice lessons!  Oh, it is too much to bear!  To much goodness and happiness!  Thank God for that, or I would be booking my depressed little self a flight back to Africa by now.

New Name, New Address

Hello readers.  In case you haven't noticed (or are reading this on Facebook), I have changed the name of my blog.  It shall henceforth be known as "Songbirds and Silhouettes" and can be found at http://songbirdsandsilhouettes.blogspot.com.  
Now, you may be understandably curious about what prompted this change.  So I will tell you.
Earlier today, I was shopping on amazon.com for a book I need to buy for my trip to Ghana.  All of us in the group will be reading Set All Afire: A Novel About St. Francis Xavier together since he is the patron saint of something that pertains to our trip.  Missionaries, probably.  "St. Francis Xavier is noteworthy for his missionary work, both as organizer and as pioneer. He is said to have converted more people than anyone else has done since Saint Paul."  Ah, thank you Wikepedia.  Anywho.  So I was buying this book and I was intrigued by the little "payphrase" bar on the side since I always see it when I check out but never click on it.  So today I did click on it.  I got a very informative little popup window explaining how the whole thing works and how to set one up etc. and I thought, hey, why not.  It would be nice to speed up the checkout process a little more.  So I followed the link and scrolled through the suggestions listed when I noticed that one of them included the word "songbird."  
And now, some background.
I have always, but especially in recent years, considered myself to be God's little songbird.  Here are a few reasons why:
~  There is that beautiful scripture verse about the Lord taking care of the birds and the flowers, so we should not be anxious... wait, I'll find it... "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will wear.  Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing?  Look at the birds of the air; they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them.  Are you not of more value than they?"  ~ Matthew 6:25-26  Sigh.  How lovely.  I remember this verse often when I get worried about where my life is going or how I will possibly have enough money to do this or that.  So far He has really provided for me!!  Just like a little bird. :)
~  Do you remember that scene in Romeo and Juliet where Juliet wishes that Romeo was a little bird tied to a string on her finger?  It's part of the balcony scene:

Juliet:

'Tis almost morning.  I would have thee gone --

And yet no farther than a wanton's bird,

That lets it hope a little from his hand,

Like a poor prisoner in his twisted gyves,

And with a silk thread plucks it back again,

So loving-jealous of his liberty.

Romeo:

I would I were thy bird.

Juliet:

Sweet, so would I.

Yet I should kill thee with much cherishing.

What a delicious tidbit of literature.   Now, this scene, although laced through with dark foreshadowing, in some ways represents the relationship I wish to have with God.  I so dearly wish that I could be a little bird perched on His hand or His shoulder, or snuggled into His palm without a care in the world.  How I wish that I could delight Him just by being the cheeky little creature He created me to be.  And Juliet's description of herself as "loving-jealous" seems to me to explain perfectly the way God feels about each of us.  He doesn't want to share our attentions with anything or anyone!  He always wants to be first in our hearts, as well He should.
~  I love singing more than almost anything else, and I've always known that my voice was created to give glory to God.  I have one particularly beautiful memory concerning this knowledge that brings me such joy upon recollection.  I was walking to a Heinz Chapel Choir concert, I think the spring one.  It was quite damp that day, as we had just come through one of spring's many showers. The trees on the lawn of the Cathedral of Learning, bare branches darkened by the rain, spread themselves in intricate patterns across the pale grey twilight.   I was bustling my way toward Heinz Chapel, thinking of all the things I had left to do that day besides sing in a concert.  I must have breathed a prayer of anxiety, as I often do when I get overwhelmed, for just at that moment, as I was walking under those trees, a large flock of birds swooped down to land on the branches above my path and started singing, I mean really singing.  It was gorgeous.  I think I actually stopped walking to turn my head up toward the songbirds in awe.  A smile broke out across my face as I listened, because I could hear the message being sent loud and clear.  "Go and sing for me, my little songbird, for it gives me such joy and such glory.  I will take care of the rest; do not let your heart be troubled."  I knew that the moment, the song, was a gift from Him, because in my heart I felt His peace nestling.  Needless to say, I continued on to the concert with spirits greatly lifted.  
~  When I was a senior in high school, I played the part of Chavala in Fiddler on the Roof, and her nickname is "Little Bird."  I danced a beautiful ballet (which I choreographed, by the way) behind the scrim as Tevye sang a song about how sweet and adorable I am, after which I ran crying around the passarelle begging for his acceptance in the extremely dramatic "Tradition: Reprise."  It was an excellent moment.  
~  I've always had birds as pets.  Our family dog died when I was pretty young (I wanna say around 4 years old?) and my mom refused to get another dog (or a cat) because she and several others in my family are actually very allergic to them.  So, after that I had a caterpillar (Mr. Caterpillar - I know, SO original) and a hamster (Kiki - my favorite character on "The Puzzle Place haha) before my little brother decided he wanted a bird.  We named the little blue fluffball Smokey after our favorite mountains, and after a while my brother got tired of taking care of it, so I adopted it. After he died, there was Beauty and then Tobey.  When Tobey died I gave up on birdkeeping, but after a traumatic incident at my sister's house (her dog ate one of her birds), she sent the remaining budgie home to live with me.  This was Jack.  Now we know he's actually a girl, so it's Jacqueline.  And of course, my favorite pet EVER was Elliot, the darling little spot of sunshine who died in a ceiling fan accident.  She was seriously such a good bird.  Sigh.  And she loved to sing.  I guess from having birds around for so much of my life, I've just grown to love them.  I love the graceful way they circle in flight, the way they preen and ruffle their feathers, the silly way they cock their heads as if they're listening to you suspiciously.  And I love the way they sing and chirp and whistle.  They make such beautiful music without ever taking a lesson or studying for a minute.  (soooo jealous hahaha)  Although some species of birds (like the Russian Canary) do learn their song from older canaries singing around them.  I've done a considerable amount of research in books and on the internet about birds, their history, and their care.  It's just always interested me.
So, bringing us back to the original point of this story... 
As you have probably surmised, seeing "songbird" in the payphrase suggestions got my imagination going in so many ways.  The phrase "Songbirds and Silhouettes" popped into my head as though someone had dropped it there.  I typed it into the little box, but the more I thought about it, the more I loved it.  I said it out loud a couple of times, enjoying the way it rolled off the tongue.  (Did you know that "s" and "l" are my favorite consonants?  Well they are.  Especially together.)  I could not waste such a glorious word concoction on something so mundane as a payphrase!!  I immediately thought of my blog.  I named it "Thoughts Along the Way" because I couldn't think of anything better at the time of its creation.  I had always intended to give it a better, more suited-to-me name eventually, but I hadn't been able to think of anything.  And now this!  I had already changed my background to the silhouetted birds flying about several months ago, so it matched perfectly.  It reflects a major part of my life and adds its own little twist.  
Silhouettes?  What do those have to do with me?  Well... I've thought of a few things...
~  The mental image I have of that glorious memory on the way to the HCC concert is the silhouette of birds on branches, black against the pale grey sky, crisp and beautiful.
~  I did an entire ballet number in silhouette as Chavala, my shadowed figure dancing across a white backdrop lit by deep pink lights.
~  Silhouette could also refer to the shape of a body or an article of clothing.  This is slightly fitting since I work in a costume shop at present and do have quite a love for beautiful and well-made clothing.  
~  Anyone who's ever taken Theater Arts II at Bethel Park High School knows how awesomely fun shadow scenes are.  Completely done in silhouette.  
~  A silhouette can be deceiving... Things are not always as they appear, and there is a certain air of mystery about silhouettes.
~  Back in Victorian times, in addition to collecting each others' hair and weaving it into wreaths and such, ladies would made silhouettes of each other and perhaps of young men they were interested in remembering.  No photographs, you know.  So for me, the word "silhouette" conjures up images of those lovely, classy times when there could never be too much lace or dainty finger cakes.  Charming!
Before I switched over the name officially, I Googled the phrase to make sure it wasn't the name of an album or a song or something that I was just remembering from somewhere else.  The only thing that came up was a flyer for a concert/fashion show in North Carolina.  So it seems I've come up with something fairly original, after all.
Also, http://janelaine-thoughtsalongtheway.blogspot.com doesn't exist anymore.  So if you go to that site it'll say "not found" or whatever.  Just so you know.  Sorry about any confusion or annoyance this may cause you.
Ok, guys thanks for reading!  I look forward to this new chapter of blogging.  A good name just makes everything seem right, doesn't it?  I think Anne of Green Gables would agree.

Feasts of the Two Hearts

A year ago at this time, I was in Miami with the Servants of the Pierced Hearts, struggling to stay awake during a 12-hour vigil in honor of the Sacred Heart of Jesus and the Immaculate Heart of Mary. Today is His feast day, you know, and tomorrow is Hers. I can't believe it's only been a year, and yet what a year it has been!!

Back then, I was a naive little girl who thought she had all the answers and was seriously considering a religious vocation. Now, I'm a somewhat jaded little girl who realizes that she has no answers and is trying desperately hard not to be in love. Perhaps I am a little wiser, but only because I can acknowledge how foolish I really am.

Back then, I had just decided to move home for my sophomore year because I couldn't afford to live in the dorms anymore. We thought it would be good "formation" for me to continue living with my family, to live for others and not think only of myself. I thought I would grow so deeply in virtue. Maybe I have. I can't tell. All I know is that there were far too many instances of sheer bitchiness on my part for me to feel really good about how this year went. Anyway, now I am planning to move into a beauteous "citadel," complete with maidens and bay window overlooking the street below and garden in the backyard. Sigh. I can't wait.

Back then, I was incredibly anxious about my vocation. I wanted to know which path my life would take. The dilemma consumed my prayer life and many of my thoughts. Now, I seriously don't care which way the road turns. Both vocations are gorgeously beautiful and seeped in graces, so I'm good either way. Plus, here's another little secret: I don't want to get married anytime soon, to God or any mere mortal man. This was a startling revelation to me; I always thought I'd be a young bride growing up. But really, either vocation would get in the way of my plans for stardom. Plus, the idea of a commitment of that magnitude makes me sick. Maybe someday I'll desire those things, but for now I'll just throw myself into my career. It shouldn't be too hard for me considering that I love it so so much. Yay for pink roses and focusing on the present!! :D

Sorry the tone of this post is a little bit depressy and a lot cynical. I have such disdain for my younger self. I hate how ignorant she is. I'm going to hate my current self in a few years. That's just always how it's been with me. I look back at my younger self and crinkle my nose in disgust. But I have great sympathy for her. It's like, "You are so stupid, you poor, poor dear." I just want to go back and say, "Look, you ninny. Everything's going to be ok. So stop embarrassing me and get over yourself." What gets me through is knowing that the current version of myself is the best version yet. And it's only getting better from here. I hope.

A Change in the Wind...

As usual, it took a severe crash and burn for me to realize how unhappy I was. At the end of classes, before finals began, I realized that I was insanely stressed out, hating school, and that I didn't care enough about any of my classes to fight for success. Something had to change.

A couple of months ago, at the career development office:

Counselor: So, what is your ideal job?

(long pause)

Me: Well... my IDEAL job is doing voice-overs for Disney movies and recording books on tape. ... I realize that that's not exactly included in my major. [english writing and communications] I do think I'm in the right major, but I also know that if the opportunity to perform ever presented itself, I sure as hell would jump at it.

Later that month, conversation with a friend:

me: I have so much to do... [more yammering about specific papers I had to write, tests to study for, whining etc.]

him: Why don't you pull an all-nighter?

me: I can't. No, really, I physically cannot. I always fall asleep.

him: Well, then why don't you skip choir rehearsal and get caught up?

me: No!

him: Why not? You have almost perfect attendance; one absence isn't going to affect your A in the class.

me: No... no way am I missing HCC. I love it too much!

him: So... let me get this straight: you hate all your classes except HCC.

me: (pause) Yeah... I guess do...

Monday of finals week, on a walk with my mom:

me: "I think I need to change my major..."

Mom was a little freaked out, I think, but she suggested that I get more information. "Knowledge is power," she said. So, I made a whole slew of appointments with my choir director (also, conveniently, the advisor for the music department), my academic advisor, the career counselor (again), and an advisor from the theater department. What it boils down to is this:

I cannot live without performing. I am tired of putting costumes in dressing rooms for shows that don't include me, tired of cheering others on in their musical/theatrical pursuits and never even dreaming that I could follow suit. Aside from moments in front of the tabernacle, in Eucharistic adoration, and at Mass, the happiest moments of my life are during performances. Singing in church, dance recitals, high school musicals, half-time shows as a Bethette, choir concerts, it doesn't matter where or how I'm performing; I have loved every minute of my time on stage. And I want to do this for the rest of my life, professionally.

I know that pursuing a career in musical theater will be difficult. But I also know that I have what it takes to succeed. The more I look at this career path, the more I research and talk to people and imagine myself living that life, the more I feel that this is the path I was created to take. For the first time in my life, I want to throw myself into my studies because I want to make myself better. I desire to improve myself, to make something of myself, to really work for something! And for the first time, I truly believe that I can do it. This decision has given my life purpose and meaning like I've never dreamed of!

So, where does this leave me? What's my immediate plan of action? Well, I'm going to drop the communications degree and finish my writing degree, but I'm switching my concentration from "creative nonfiction" to "fiction." And I'll be adding on a degree in music. I'm only two classes away from my Italian minor, so I'll probably finish that up. Since I'm getting started on the music credits so late in the game (I'll be a junior in the fall!) I'll have to take summer classes next summer to fit in all my gen eds. Even still I have to talk to my advisor about squeezing the three-year music major program into two years. (I already tested out of an intro music class by totally acing the theory placement exam! :D Thank you, high school choir classes!) After graduation, I will hopefully be completing a 2-year conservatory program for musical theater so that I'll be ready to hit the stage as soon as I'm done with school. Boston Conservatory has a nice 2-year program, as do a variety of schools in New York City.

Why not study theater at Pitt, you ask? Well, I don't know how much you know about Pitt's theater department, but it's pretty much stuck in the basement of the Cathedral of Learning. That's just how much they care about us. The major description itself admits that it is preparation for further professional training, not immediate entry into the professional world. Besides, if I were to start on a theater major with music minor now, I would definitely have to take a fifth year, and I feel like time's a-wastin' as it is. I don't want to spend prime years of my life that I could be performing sitting in a classroom, ya know? Better to focus on music now and then on acting, I think. Plus that way, even if acting falls through, I'll still be a well-trained musician (and writer).

Meanwhile, I'll be auditioning for shows in Pittsburgh. There are definitely a couple of places where I could get paid, and others where I could not, but the important thing is to start building my acting resume and gain auditioning experience. Ideally, I'll be able to get an Equity card somewhere and start working for real. Next summer I hope to get a job in some amusement park's performing troupe, in which case I'll be taking my gen ed classes online. Or maybe I'll go back to Disneyland and audition to be a Disney princess. ;)

So, that's my story. The timing has been a little crazy as far as interfering with finals week and some personal issues, too, but ultimately, it's been the most exciting decision of my life. And I'm happy about it. I look forward to the future with such hope, such joy. I feel like I can do anything, be anything that I want. And it feels great. :)

A Change and a Sacrifice

Times have certainly been tough lately. The price of college is going up, the amount of money in my bank account is going way down, and on top of it all, my financial aid package dropped $10,000 this year.
Shocking, right? I didn't see this coming at all. What was dropped? The government grants. So much for the stimulus package, eh? Also I lost my academic competitiveness grant, because my GPA went down from a 3.7 to a 3.4 (my cumulative is still a 3.5). I thought my grades were pretty good considering that throughout the course of spring semester I was in the hospital twice and had to deal with the death of my 19-year-old cousin. But the numbers don't tell you that.
So, what to do now? Well, for a while I didn't even think I would be able to stay in college. There's just no source of income that could cover that extra fee. My parents and I looked over the possibilities. Take a year to work? Work every night and weekend? Find a massive scholarship in the next couple months? What it finally came down to was this: I am moving home to become a commuter student.
Yes, it sucks. Of course I don't want to give up my independence, my freedom and my space to move back in with my parents. But I'm saving about $8000. So that's the way it's gotta be. I don't really have much of a choice.

The thing is, I can see the good in this, too. During my time with the nuns, the superior and I talked a lot about the time between now and when my vocation (whatever it may be) is realized. The truth of the matter is that college life is not really a good formation period for either vocation. Four years of doing what you want to do when you want to do it does not teach you anything about responsibility, humility, or sacrifice, all things that are absolutely essential to married and religious life. These next few years, though they will inevitably be difficult, will also be a period of great growth for me if I allow them to be. I can learn many virtues by living at home, patience, humility, and docility being at the top of the list! I cringe as I look at those words written out. How uncomfortable they seem to me now! Yet the Lord has said that the virtue that comforts Him most, when it seems that our hearts are full of sin, is humility. Though our sins beat him mercilessly when He enters our hearts through the Eucharist, He is able to recline on our virtues to rest, and He loves humility most of all. Perhaps by the time I graduate or move out again, I will have learned to love this virtue as He does.

Little Bird, Journals, Milestones

It was such a short while ago that I wrote about my little bird, Elliot, and what a ray of sunshine she was to the family and to Jack. Unfortunately, little Elli had a fatal encounter with a ceiling fan a few days ago. She went into shock, then she fell asleep and didn't wake up. We are burying her today.
I am surprisingly heartbroken over this. I am more upset that I was over any other pet death. Ever. I suppose it's because I took such care with her training and because she was so lovable. What hurts the most is how short the time was between her taming and her death. The lifespan of a parakeet, if all goes well (i.e. no sicknesses or accidents), is 12 - 16 years! I was so looking forward to that time with her.
I talked to my spiritual director about it yesterday: do pets go to heaven? On one hand, they don't have souls, or at least, proper souls like humans do, so they don't really fit into the beatific vision of heaven. Yet there will be no pain of loss or separation in heaven, and animals were placed on earth for the enjoyment and use of humans, so maybe they will be there to please us further once we cross over. Our final decision: we don't know! It helped just to talk it out, though.

Yesterday also marked the beginning of shopping-for-school-supplies season, as Mom took a few of us to Office Depot to pick out our planners. I got another huge calender. They really are the best for organizing. But more excitingly, there was a cart full of clearance stuff by the door (everything inside $1!!) and what should be lying in the cart but stacks and stacks of beautiful leather and suede journals!!!!! I almost passed out, I was so happy. I have a rather severe journal fetish. I bought 5 of them for $5.35. You just can't beat that. Plus, now I am good to go for at least 2 years, probably more.

Also of note is that this post is #60 for me! Hooray! Also, August 23 is "Thoughts Along the Way"'s 1 year anniversary! I can't believe it! It seems only weeks ago that I was posting about my epic encounter with veggie hummus. Sigh.

Jet Lag

The past few weeks have been so crazy for me. School seems like a different world, it was so long ago. Here is just a little taste of the chaos that has been my life recently:

Thursday, April 23: last final. done with statistics forever and ever! hallelujah!!

Friday, April 24: move out of my dorm

Saturday, April 25: start packing for trip to China while frantically trying to get interviews for my final journalism story

Sunday, April 26: continue packing for China while frantically conducting interviews and writing my final journalism story. turn in the story tonight. (final word count: 1278)

Monday, April 27: finish packing for China, drive to New York with dad.

Tuesday, April 28: fly out of JFK airport at 10am NY time. 16 hour flight to Hong Kong

Wednesday, April 29: arrive in Hong Kong 1:00pm their time, 1am NY time. the sun didn't set on us. immediately board another flight to Beijing.

Thursday, April 30 - Sunday, May 10: whirl of touristy activities and concerts in various locations about China

Monday, May 11: last day in China. spend day on beaches of Hong Kong. get sunburned.

Tuesday, May 12: 16-hour flight home to JFK. with sunburn. ouch. worth it. flight leaves 10am Hong Kong time and lands 1pm NY time. drive home with dad. arrive home to jubilantly happy family, distribute souvenirs. pull an all-nighter due to jet lag.

Wednesday, May 13: make breakfast for the fam around 5am. crash around noon. mom wakes me at 6pm, which feels like 6am due to jet lag. grumpy evening. fall back asleep around midnight.

Thursday, May 14: make breakfast again. feeling slightly more awake. spend the day watching my bird, Jack, since he won't let me pick him up anymore. being at college without him sucks. do some research. decide he needs a companion bird. discuss with mother. agreement. run some errands for her. forget how to navigate Bethel Park. just happen to end up at Pet Supplies Plus. buy a bird. come home and hurriedly put her cage together in my room. (requires scrubbing and assembly). Jack knows something is up.
Profile: New Bird
Name: Elliot
Color: bright yellow
Species: Parakeet
Gender: ...unknown... we've all just sort of been calling it a "she" to distinguish from "he," which is Jack
Age: less than 1 year, probably about 3 or 4 months
poor little thing is so scared to spend her first night alone in her new home that she flutters wildly around her cage, keeping me up and bloodying both of her little wings. have to catch her and put cornstarch on them to stop the bleeding.

Friday, May 15: make breakfast again. fam is getting spoiled. am told repeatedly that they hope my jetlag never wears off. Elliot a little better today, sitting on her ladder instead of clinging to the walls of the cage or the floor. Later moves to top perch next to millet spray from where she has yet to move. While reading aloud to her to help her get used to my voice, I fall asleep. in and out of consciousness for the rest of the day, laying on my bed. Elliot watches from across the room, thinking, "boy, no need to worry about this one. she's a total slug."

Saturday, May 16: sleep in until 10 or so. fam makes their own breakfast with leftover pancake batter. convince Jack to sit on my shoulder while I make flower pot covers for the church luncheon tomorrow. he flies away after about half an hour. progress? ya, a little, I guess.

And now I am writing this blog due to my lack of patience with the flower pot covers. And now it's thunderstorming. This day just got a whole lot better... but I should probably get off the computer...

O How Things Have Changed...

I laugh when I look back and read over my first entry of this semester. I thought I had things sooo together. How wrong I was.
Not a week has gone by since then that I could call "normal" with a clear conscience. I am either going through a crisis or recovering from one. I guess that's what life really is, eh? How silly of me to think otherwise.
But I see now that it's better this way, too. I'd much rather be out there, experiencing the highs and lows of life than sticking to the comfortable, everyday schedule I'd set for myself. My Lord God knows how to plan a week much better than I do.
I can't wait to see where He takes me next. :)

The Dining Dollar Experiment

This week I have decided to try something new.
Usually my eating habits include lots of snacks provided by the local IGA and my mother. Whole Wheat Poptarts, canned soups, popcorn, almonds, granola bars, peanut butter and honey sandwiches, peanut butter and chocolate chip sandwiches, and even PB&J are all common things for me to eat. In my room. Alone.
This week, however, will be different.
On Saturday night, I realized that I was out of food. All that remained in my food drawer was a honey container with about a tablespoon left in the bottom, 2 packs of gum, and 3 teabags. Rather than heading to the grocery store, as I would usually do, I instead decided to laze around my dorm room and do nothing about the situation.
Hence Sunday morning rolled around, and then Sunday afternoon, and I still hadn't eaten anything since the night before. My body struggled with itself: on one side, my stomach, growling and grumbling at the lack of food, and on the other, my lazy butt, objecting to the mere idea of stirring from my room, where I was cozied up still in my pajamas with a blanket and a movie. At around 2:00 in the afternoon I began to feel physically ill from lack of food, and I knew that I had to venture to the outside world in search of something to eat. An afternoon on S.Craig Street solved my problem, but the experience led me to some rather interesting contemplation:

1. I had trained myself to eat in my room.
2. I was wasting Dining Dollars and passes and spending real money (of which I have little).
3. I was missing out on social opportunities.
4. I had survived for about 16 hours straight without food.
5. My desire for food caused me to de-hermitize myself.
6. If this worked for one day, could it work for a whole week? Yes!
7. I am essentially planning to starve myself out of my room.
8. For one week I will eat nothing but food I can buy at the dining halls.
9. At the end of the week I may or may not go grocery shopping, depending on how well this experiment works.

Stay tuned, dear readers! The great Dining Dollar Experiment has begun! (insert *Dining Dollar theme music* here)