This week as I prepare for finals, I have become ragingly self-centered. Not really in an egotistical way (I hope) but more in a way in which my mind focuses only on what I have to do next. I guess one of the many limitations I'm discovering about myself (though I've suspected it for some time now) is that I have a one-track mind. One thing at a time consumes my very being and I pretty much can think of nothing else. And right now that one thing is school.
As a result, though, I feel like some of my relationships are suffering. I haven't really talked with
either of my older sisters for what feels like a long time. I haven't had time to hang out with any of the usual crowd these past couple of weeks (I skipped bible study! eeek!) and when I get home at night I generally just eat and then work and then sleep. This lack of connection has also extended, unfortunately, to the relationship that means more to me than anything in the world.
Today I went to Mass and tried to stay for a holy hour afterward. I couldn't do it. Even with the King of Kings right there inside my heart I felt not a single thing. I tried to say some prayers and read a little booklet about Mary, but still nothing. I looked straight at the Host in the monstrance but could not get any feelings of respect or love to stir in my heart. After about 15 minutes of this I just left.
I was thinking about this little instance today on the trolley on my way home. It bugged me. I was frustrated with myself and with God. Why is it that some days adoration is amazing and soul-changing and other days it is as though I were sitting in an empty room? Off-days like today make me extremely skeptical about my faith, down to the very basics of what I believe. 'How am I so sure that there is even a God?' I ask myself. It is then that I remember those golden moments in my life when I've never been so sure of anything as of the fact that God reigns over Heaven and Earth and He loves me like no other. I was conjuring up those memories just today to combat the wave of doubt that washed over me, and it was then that I realized that all of those moments have something in common. In each instance, I left myself completely open to what He wanted to say to me. I was unafraid to hear His voice and see His hand in my life and uninhibited by my prideful "knowledge" of the world. Scripture says that "the simple find wisdom," and how many times over this has proven to be true in my own life! For in each of those beautiful moments, tired of the noise of the world, I quieted myself and let simplicity lead the way to His heart.
Once I realized this, I almost laughed out loud at myself. My mind and my heart had certainly not been quiet or simple earlier today. I pictured the Lord as a frustrated lover, wishing that I would just SHUT UP already so He could whisper sweet nothings into my ear. Of course he understands that our human nature sometimes makes it difficult for us to concentrate on abstract things such as Himself... but if we just give it a little effort it's not impossible. The thing is, the love of God never goes away. The love that lived and breathed and bled and died to save us is the same whether we're feeling it overwhelm us or not feeling a thing. The difference usually lies in our hearts (unless God is testing you! in which case your heart is totally open to Him and He still withholds that connected feeling, a.k.a consolation, but this generally occurs later in the spiritual journey to more experienced travelers). So stick it out in your holy hours (if you're doing them. If not you should really look into it! :D). Open your hearts and don't let fear or internal noise keep you away from Him! He desires so much to be near to you! "Behold, I stand at the door and knock..."
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