I have not posted anything for an incredibly long time. There have been things that I've wanted to say, none of which I can really remember now, but the truth is that there hasn't been time to say them. I couldn't even tell you what it is that's been keeping me so busy; I just know that I never feel like I have a spare minute. Maybe it's because I need a considerable amount of veg time in order to feel fully rested, so any spare moment I have is spent trying to relax. Even if I actually have stuff to do... like right now: I have so much to do! But I'm too tired to do anything. (It doesn't help that it's a sleepy rainy day here in Oakland.) Lately I feel that I'm just living from one pleasure to the next, enduring all that comes between instead of trying to make the best of each moment. That is not as it should be; my life is disordered at present.
Perhaps it is time to turn over a new leaf, as they say. Today, for example, I am eating humble pie. For a variety of reasons, I haven't been to my history class more than a few times in the past month. True, there are no tests in this class, but there are essays, and I believe the deadline for the next one is coming up soon. I don't have the prompt yet because I wasn't in class the day our professor handed them out and he doesn't use courseweb at all. So today I approached him after lecture to inquire after the essay prompt, fully revealing how behind I was in the course and drawing attention to the fact that I'm never there. I've written before about how closely tied my self-esteem is to my performance in school, so I needn't go through the emotions that I dealt with up until the moment I approached the front of the room. Taking responsibility for ones failings is never a comfortable action to take. Yet quite often it is the best way. On could argue that it is always the best way, in fact.
In my critical reading class, we just finished reading "Bartleby" by Herman Melville. It is the story of a lawyer (and narrator) dealing with his difficult scriveners on mid-1800s Wall Street. In particular, Bartleby, the most recent hire, "prefers not to" do anything but stare out the window after a brief period of efficient productivity at the beginning of his tenure in the office. The strange thing is that the lawyer, for whatever reason, cannot bear to kick him out, so Bartleby continues to haunt the office, even after the lawyer picks up and moves his business elsewhere! A most strange tale, indeed. Throughout, I found myself to be extremely frustrated and annoyed with the narrator's spinelessness. At the very beginning of the tale, he describes himself as "a man who, from his youth upwards, has been filled with a profound conviction that the easiest way of life is the best," and proceeds to act upon this conviction for the remainder of the story. He runs the office like a wet noodle, never disciplining his scriveners or even remaining angry at them for more than a moment. He rationalizes away every inclination that might lead him into conflict with anyone, even physically running away from the office when things get really bad toward the end.
The reason that I go into all of this detail about this particular story is that I see myself in the lawyer's actions to an alarming degree. My sixth grade teacher always used to say that we are most annoyed with other people when we recognize our own faults in them, and that certainly seems to be the case here. Much as I was shocked to hear the narrator's life philosophy, I have to admit that I have lived much of my own life by it. I, too, have spent years taking the easiest way and avoiding conflict at all costs. Usually when the need arises to really fight for something, I give up on it, including everything from grades to workouts to love interests. I have let people walk all over me because I would rather be hurt than fight it out. I have let others call the shots because I didn't want to put in the effort necessary to resist. I have listened with a smile on my face to people voicing opinions that make me want to scream and throw things because it just wouldn't do to start an argument. Now perhaps some of these have been occasions of prudence and wisdom. But perhaps some of them required action, and I did not act.
I was recently in Peoria with the Servants of the Pierced Hearts, and one of the sisters gave us a beautiful presentation about suffering. No matter where our paths take us, there is going to be suffering involved. The key to navigating life is not to choose the easiest way, but rather to choose the way that our Lord wants us to take. Sometimes we may even need to choose to suffer! Yes, it may be difficult, but it is far easier to suffer now than in purgatory! At the end of our lives, what will we wish we had done right now? Let us not wait until the end of our lives to wish those things for ourselves; let us wish for them now! We are being called to be who we were created to be. There is no half way, there is no cutting of corners; if we are truly living the life He wants for us then the cross is always the end! And that cross is love in the extreme! Christ didn't scrimp; he annihilated Himself to give love to us. What are we watering down? How are we running away from Him? In what ways are we living in mediocrity?
Too often I have grown complacent and prideful by looking only at the aspects of myself that I like, the areas in which I am succeeding. It is then that I need to be jostled out of my comfortable sleep and awaken to the many areas of my life where I have failed, like in this history class. Christ understands when we fall - He was human once, after all - but we are being called to PERFECTION. As Padre Pio said, "God sees stains even in the angels. What must He see in me!"
This may seem an impossible task, but I assure you that it is not! Our Lord greatly desires for us to become the people He created us to be, so the slightest glance in His direction gladdens His heart. Can't you see that He wants nothing more than to welcome you into His arms? He longs to pour out his grace upon each of our hearts if we would only be open to receive it. The easiest and the best way to do this is to frequent the sacraments of Reconciliation and the Eucharist. By keeping our souls clean and free from worldly attachment and frequently welcoming Jesus physically into our bodies, we are able to keep building that close relationship with Him that He so desires and from which we benefit so greatly! This closeness with Him that all of the great saints fostered allowed for their sanctification, for when you personally know the Author of the Universe, it is easier to see His hand at work and the paths He has set for you. And the path that our Lord has chosen for all of us is sainthood! Believe it! He wants all of us to be up at that high altar in heaven. We were created to be nothing less.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that these little things like succeeding in history class or day-to-day charity may seem inconsequential, but it is the culmination of all the little choices that you make that determine your character. After all, if we are to be perfect as we are meant to be, then each of these little decisions must lead us to God and to the sanctification of our souls.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Sunday, February 14, 2010
4 Stages
Happy Valentines Day! Recently I've been giving a lot of thought to relationships, and this is some of my musings. (I ran the framework for this model by my spiritual director, so it's officially okay-ed by a very holy priest.)
Guidelines to Healthy, Chaste Relationships
Stage 1: Dating
The purpose of this stage is mostly to have a good time. I don't mean to use people, but to really enjoy the presence of the amazing people in your life of the opposite sex. This entails going to coffee, having lunch, or even dinner and dancing if that suits you. You can date as many people as you want at one time as long as things don't get physical. Physical affection should be limited to brief, friendly hugs and perhaps some hand-holding. That's right: NO kissing and absolutely nothing sexual. (Note: beware of dancing! Although it is within the parameters of this stage, it can lead very quickly to intimacy.)
Keep it lighthearted and fun. The focus here is getting to know people and casually considering them for a more serious relationship. Gals, avoid projecting way far into the future. It's totally unnecessary in this stage. That being said, if there is anything that might prevent you from wanting to commit yourself to this person, now would be the best time to discover it, before too much emotion and physical closeness (damn that cuddle hormone!) has clouded your judgment.
If strong feelings do develop, you should either allow your relationship with this special person to evolve into stage 2 or, if the person doesn't like you back :( then it's probably time to break things off. In general, it's healthier to not pine away for someone endlessly but rather to move on with your life and find someone who deserves your love.
Stage 2: Courtship
The purpose of this stage is to consider your significant other for marriage. You are exclusive now (that means no serious one-on-one time with people of the opposite sex), and kissing is allowed (unless you belong to that group that chooses to save their kisses for marriage). Cuddling is also (yay!) allowed here. I suppose in this stage the dates get a little more involved, too.
Be careful, though, because I think that some of the strongest temptations occur here. The discovery and presence of a mutual attraction can be so exhilarating that it may be easy to get carried away. It is even more important to guard your heart here, and your significant other's heart. As Jason Evert so eloquently put it, "The real measure of love is doing what’s best for the beloved." You should seek to help your beloved grow in virtue, not tempt him/her away from it, and if s/he is tempting you away from virtue then you probably need to break things off. (This is not to say that passion is a bad thing. If, for example, you find your significant other outrageously attractive and that tempts you away from virtue, that temptation would not be grounds for breaking up. Actually I am of the opinion that this chemistry is a very good thing. What's dangerous is pressure from him/her to go farther than you know is right.)
Courtship is not marriage!! I know it seems obvious, but it's important to keep in mind that even though you're exclusive, you're not completely committed, either. This means that you needn't spend every spare moment together or stop looking at other opposite-sex friends as possibilities. There's no need to ever stop looking until your wedding day, honestly (and by then you should be totally ready and willing to give up looking, anyway). All's fair in love and war, and if you or your significant other think they've found someone better, you should both be free to move on, heartbroken as the other may be. In truth, it's probably better to let someone go who's not sure about your relationship than to hold on to them. Freedom is of utmost importance in the realm of relationships! For after all, it is only with complete freedom to choose that we can fully choose to love.
Stage 3: Engagement
Obviously I've never experienced this stage (or the next), but I'll try to outline as best I can.
When you are fairly certain that you want to spend the rest of your life with the person you're in a relationship with, then hopefully s/he'll feel the same way and agree to marry you. I definitely think that the responsibility to pop this question falls on the man of the relationship, but this is a whole other issue that I really don't feel qualified to get into.
If courtship is an evaluation, engagement is a scrutiny. With marriage on the horizon, you must do everything you can to establish that you are 100% sure that you want to bind yourself to this person for eternity. Ideally you'll be going through some very thorough marriage prep with a good priest and spend lots of time in prayer to continue discerning whether this is truly the right path for you.
There is nothing additional in the physical affection department during this stage, and in fact it may be better to back off a bit physically in order to more deeply consider the other aspects of your relationship.
If all goes well and you still know that you want to marry this person, then you'll be ready for the 4th and final stage...
Stage 4: Marriage
From the moment that you take your vows, you two become one heart to love and to serve. It may seem incredibly romantic at first, but the love of married life is primarily an everyday, day-to-day love, grounded in the simple, mundane things that occupy your lives. This is why it is inappropriate to live together before marriage; part of married love is sharing every aspect of your lives together.
With your marriage vows, you are also finally allowed to go much, much farther than kissing... The unity of the bodies of man and wife in the marital act is essentially a renewal of the marriage vows and an outward sign of the union of their hearts. This is why it is inappropriate outside of marriage; in any other relationship it sends a false message and makes a hollow promise.
So, there it all is. Hopefully this has made things clear. I think where a lot of people run into trouble is mashing the stages together in that strange conglomerate of doing what feels good. A bit of discipline, however, is very freeing and (from what I've heard) totally worth it. If you've got questions please do leave me a comment, and I'll edit or comment accordingly. And definitely if you have further insights, please share. :)
Guidelines to Healthy, Chaste Relationships
Stage 1: Dating
The purpose of this stage is mostly to have a good time. I don't mean to use people, but to really enjoy the presence of the amazing people in your life of the opposite sex. This entails going to coffee, having lunch, or even dinner and dancing if that suits you. You can date as many people as you want at one time as long as things don't get physical. Physical affection should be limited to brief, friendly hugs and perhaps some hand-holding. That's right: NO kissing and absolutely nothing sexual. (Note: beware of dancing! Although it is within the parameters of this stage, it can lead very quickly to intimacy.)
Keep it lighthearted and fun. The focus here is getting to know people and casually considering them for a more serious relationship. Gals, avoid projecting way far into the future. It's totally unnecessary in this stage. That being said, if there is anything that might prevent you from wanting to commit yourself to this person, now would be the best time to discover it, before too much emotion and physical closeness (damn that cuddle hormone!) has clouded your judgment.
If strong feelings do develop, you should either allow your relationship with this special person to evolve into stage 2 or, if the person doesn't like you back :( then it's probably time to break things off. In general, it's healthier to not pine away for someone endlessly but rather to move on with your life and find someone who deserves your love.
Stage 2: Courtship
The purpose of this stage is to consider your significant other for marriage. You are exclusive now (that means no serious one-on-one time with people of the opposite sex), and kissing is allowed (unless you belong to that group that chooses to save their kisses for marriage). Cuddling is also (yay!) allowed here. I suppose in this stage the dates get a little more involved, too.
Be careful, though, because I think that some of the strongest temptations occur here. The discovery and presence of a mutual attraction can be so exhilarating that it may be easy to get carried away. It is even more important to guard your heart here, and your significant other's heart. As Jason Evert so eloquently put it, "The real measure of love is doing what’s best for the beloved." You should seek to help your beloved grow in virtue, not tempt him/her away from it, and if s/he is tempting you away from virtue then you probably need to break things off. (This is not to say that passion is a bad thing. If, for example, you find your significant other outrageously attractive and that tempts you away from virtue, that temptation would not be grounds for breaking up. Actually I am of the opinion that this chemistry is a very good thing. What's dangerous is pressure from him/her to go farther than you know is right.)
Courtship is not marriage!! I know it seems obvious, but it's important to keep in mind that even though you're exclusive, you're not completely committed, either. This means that you needn't spend every spare moment together or stop looking at other opposite-sex friends as possibilities. There's no need to ever stop looking until your wedding day, honestly (and by then you should be totally ready and willing to give up looking, anyway). All's fair in love and war, and if you or your significant other think they've found someone better, you should both be free to move on, heartbroken as the other may be. In truth, it's probably better to let someone go who's not sure about your relationship than to hold on to them. Freedom is of utmost importance in the realm of relationships! For after all, it is only with complete freedom to choose that we can fully choose to love.
Stage 3: Engagement
Obviously I've never experienced this stage (or the next), but I'll try to outline as best I can.
When you are fairly certain that you want to spend the rest of your life with the person you're in a relationship with, then hopefully s/he'll feel the same way and agree to marry you. I definitely think that the responsibility to pop this question falls on the man of the relationship, but this is a whole other issue that I really don't feel qualified to get into.
If courtship is an evaluation, engagement is a scrutiny. With marriage on the horizon, you must do everything you can to establish that you are 100% sure that you want to bind yourself to this person for eternity. Ideally you'll be going through some very thorough marriage prep with a good priest and spend lots of time in prayer to continue discerning whether this is truly the right path for you.
There is nothing additional in the physical affection department during this stage, and in fact it may be better to back off a bit physically in order to more deeply consider the other aspects of your relationship.
If all goes well and you still know that you want to marry this person, then you'll be ready for the 4th and final stage...
Stage 4: Marriage
From the moment that you take your vows, you two become one heart to love and to serve. It may seem incredibly romantic at first, but the love of married life is primarily an everyday, day-to-day love, grounded in the simple, mundane things that occupy your lives. This is why it is inappropriate to live together before marriage; part of married love is sharing every aspect of your lives together.
With your marriage vows, you are also finally allowed to go much, much farther than kissing... The unity of the bodies of man and wife in the marital act is essentially a renewal of the marriage vows and an outward sign of the union of their hearts. This is why it is inappropriate outside of marriage; in any other relationship it sends a false message and makes a hollow promise.
So, there it all is. Hopefully this has made things clear. I think where a lot of people run into trouble is mashing the stages together in that strange conglomerate of doing what feels good. A bit of discipline, however, is very freeing and (from what I've heard) totally worth it. If you've got questions please do leave me a comment, and I'll edit or comment accordingly. And definitely if you have further insights, please share. :)
Monday, February 8, 2010
Snow Day!!
I am currently lying in bed with my eyes half open and my laptop sitting on my stomach propped up on my bent knees. I was about to write a paper for my critical reading class about a passage from Frankenstein that is due at 10:00 today. I didn't write it last night because I was watching the Super Bowl and gorging myself on pizza and mint ice-cream pie (with chocolate crumb crust, tiny Andes mints and chocolate syrup drizzled on top! Deliiiiish!!)
So I was planning on getting up this morning to write the required page or two (I woke up at 5 this morning, fell back asleep, and woke again at 7, and my first class is at 10), but I thought I would check my email first, as usual. If I had been more awake, perhaps my reaction to the following would have been greater:
"According to http://www.pitt.edu/ , the University is closed tomorrow (Monday, February 8) and all classes are cancelled. Accordingly: Examination #1 is moved to Wednesday, February 10,"
but as it was, all I could do was murmur, "Praise God" with a sleepy smile.
My exam is moved to Wednesday. I don't have to commute to Oakland this morning, so I now have 2.5 hours to write the paper instead of >1. I'm going to have time to do my missed readings from last week, choose the novels for my history paper, clean up the clothes I've strewn about my room, and best of all, possibly go sledding in my backyard!!! Praise be, this day just got a whoooole lot better. Somebody up there loves me. He really does.
So I was planning on getting up this morning to write the required page or two (I woke up at 5 this morning, fell back asleep, and woke again at 7, and my first class is at 10), but I thought I would check my email first, as usual. If I had been more awake, perhaps my reaction to the following would have been greater:
"According to http://www.pitt.edu/ , the University is closed tomorrow (Monday, February 8) and all classes are cancelled. Accordingly: Examination #1 is moved to Wednesday, February 10,"
but as it was, all I could do was murmur, "Praise God" with a sleepy smile.
My exam is moved to Wednesday. I don't have to commute to Oakland this morning, so I now have 2.5 hours to write the paper instead of >1. I'm going to have time to do my missed readings from last week, choose the novels for my history paper, clean up the clothes I've strewn about my room, and best of all, possibly go sledding in my backyard!!! Praise be, this day just got a whoooole lot better. Somebody up there loves me. He really does.
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