First Day of School. Sigh.

Last semester ended horribly. I left school feeling stupid and lazy and utterly defeated in almost every class. My grades were the worst they've ever been in my life, and I hate that. I know I shouldn't tie so much self-worth to my performance at school...
But this Christmas break was exactly what I needed. I spent a lot of time doing absolutely nothing. And it was perfect. It really was like having a little summer plopped right in the middle of my year, except it was cold and slushy instead of warm and sunny.
Today was the first day of classes for Pitt. This morning as I waited for the trolley, I felt just like a freshman again. I couldn't put my finger on it until later this evening. I'm... scared. I'm afraid that this semester is going to whup my ass just as bad as the last one did, so afraid that I didn't even want to begin. But begin I did this morning, like it or not.
I can't say that I'm any less afraid just because I got through one day of classes and work. The beginning of the semester is never the hard part; that comes later when you have 2 papers and an exam all due the next day and you have a choir concert that night and of course you've put it off because you're so afraid to begin because you want it to be perfect.
Sigh.
I've organized so so many schedules and techniques to ease the transition and to help make me a better student. I still don't know if any of them will work. It's too soon to tell. And honestly, I don't have any faith in myself anymore, no hope that I will be able to stick with it when it counts. I don't believe that I can change the person I've been for so many years, depending on her smarts to coast through school.
But I can't be that person anymore! I've reached a point where I need to grow and to become more than what I am now. I'm just so afraid of failing at this, too.

Things of Beauty

"A thing of beauty is a joy forever."
- Mary Poppins

How true, how true indeed. Lately I realized that I have been surrounding myself with beautiful things for quite some time now, and they continue to bring me joy every time I use them or see them. Here are a few that I've been enjoying very much this holiday:

Making Gingerbread

This year I have developed a great appreciation for the taste of fresh gingerbread and so decided to make a batch of my own. The molasses and spices laid out on the table with the cookbook and citrus and my sister's homemade bread made for quite a picturesque little scene. I really should have taken a picture of the finished cookies; they were beyond adorable. My aunt even kept two to use as decoration in her house!
I do so enjoy cooking in our kitchen. There's nothing like dancing around to some good music while whisking together something tasty.



My Amaryllis

While I was out Christmas shopping one day, I came across a boxed bulb with a beautiful picture on the front and the words "Indoor Amaryllis" across the top. It was a complete kit including a pot, some peat mixture, and the bulb itself. I didn't buy it right away, but I thought about it so much that a few days later I came back and picked it up. I planted it as soon as I got home, and every few days I check its progress. It is absolutely thrilling for me to watch the sprout grow little by little, even in the dead of wintertime. In time, it should end up looking something like the picture to the right. It is a "Cinderella" amaryllis. As soon as it blooms I'm going to take it upstairs (right now it's on the porch where there's more sun) and put it on the shelf by my desk, where it can cheer me through my long winter course load.
Apparently it's possible to replant these bulbs every winter with the right care, and I am getting so much joy out of this little plant that I'm sure I will try it come fall.
In fact, I am so pleased with amaryllises (is that a word?) in general that I have a blown up picture of two gorgeous red blossoms as my background on my mini laptop.


Fabric and Feathers

I am generally a fan of unconventional jewelry. Bits of fabric, buttons, feathers, and lace all seem to me to be such delicate and classy touches. Actually I've had an absolute obsession with lace lately. I want to sew it onto everything! But that is beside the point.
I have been longing for a pair of peacock feather earrings for goodness knows how long, and finally, my wish came true this Christmas. Never mind that "Santa" got them at a Halloween store in the 70s section. I think they're beautiful! :) I am quite at a loss as to where to wear them, though. Perhaps for the first day of school on Wednesday...
Also worth mentioning is that my dear friend has opened an etsy shop called "Peculiar Jewelry" where he makes exquisite pieces out of fine fabric scraps, feathers, and beads. I browsed through it yesterday and wished I could have bought everything in it! Hopefully he'll be posting more items soon! Here is the link: http://www.etsy.com/shop/Flanowa and here are a couple of my favorite pieces from the shop!


Do check it out!!


Well, that just about wraps it up. First multimedia post ever! How exciting. Except that pictures are a pain in the rump to upload. Oh well. I think they brighten the post considerably.

My 2010 Reading List

I suddenly find myself drowning in new books that are calling for my attention! Here are the ones that I hope to read in the near future:

Italian Folktales selected and retold by Italo Calvino
This was God's birthday present to me! I entered Half Price Books on a whim that day and exited with an exquisite book of fairytales, bound in earth-colored canvas with a gold peacock stamped on the front! And only $8! There are no less than 200 tales in the 763-page volume, and so far I have only read 102 of them.

William Shakespeare: The Complete Works, Wells and Taylor Second Edition
Alright, so I know I won't be able to read all of these anytime soon... but a good priest friend of mine is an avid Shakespeare fan and last year he gave me the audio recordings for all of Shakespeare's major works. Unfortunately I lost the recordings in the Great Computer Crash of Fall Semester 2009, so I can't listen and read along as he suggested. I hope to find the recordings somewhere, perhaps in some library's collection, so I can get to it. People who read Shakespeare are so well-rounded, don't you think?

The Autobiography of St. Margaret Mary: Translation of the Authentic French Text by the Sisters of the Visitation
This saint is my middle-name saint, and I love her very dearly. Her devotion to the Sacred Heart is quite humbling and inspiring. Although I've read other versions of her life story, I've never read the official text. Apparently when cloistered nuns die it is customary to release a brief story of her life to other orders and sometimes to the outside world. That is how 'Story of a Soul' by St. Therese (my confirmation name saint!) got out in the first place and I'm assuming that this book is the same. My parents gave this to me for Christmas along with the next book on the list...

Thoughts and Sayings of Saint Margaret Mary for Every Day of the Year
This is, as the title suggests, a day-by-day book that offers some little morsel of St. Margaret Mary's writings every day. Today's: "You know that there is no middle course, and that it is a question of being saved or lost for all eternity. It depends on us: either we may choose to love God eternally with the Saints in Heaven after we have done violence to self here below by mortifying and crucifying ourselves as they did, or else renounce their happiness by giving to nature all for which it craves." Is she not wonderful??

for women only: what you need to know about the inner lives of men by Shaunti Feldhahn
This book explores and/or overturns some of women's "surface understandings" about men such as "men need respect," "men are visual," and "men are unromantic clods," among others. It's actually my sister's book (someone gave it to her for Christmas) but she enjoyed it and is lending it to me. She said it would be a quick read, but it's not holding my attention very well. I guess I just don't care about men enough. Ha! Favorite quote so far: "Notice that one of the main biblical passages on marriage - in Ephesians 5 - never tells the wife to love her husband, and it never tells the husband to respect his wife (presumably because we each already tend to give what we want to receive). Instead, over and over, it urges the husband to love his wife and urges the wife to respect her husband and his leadership. Women tend to want to control things, which, unfortunately, men tend to interpret as disrespect and distrust (which, if we're honest with ourselves, it sometimes is). Marriage is about putting the other person's needs above your own (he's required to do that, too, remember), and it does tremendous things for your man to know that you are choosing to trust and honor him."

The Canary Handbook by Matthew M. Vriends, Ph.D. and Tanya M. Heming-Vriends
Yes, I am giving some thought to becoming a canary fancier (a flowery way of saying canary owner) so I picked up this book real cheap off of Amazon.com to get some background info. (Internet research only goes so far I've learned.) I've kept budgies for many years, so perhaps I'll be expanding my aviary again. Canary song is quite beautiful!

Rediscovering Catholicism by Matthew Kelly
My aunt heard someone speak at her church and they handed out these books. She was inspired and picked up one for all of us. I'm a little skeptical, because last time I tried to read Matthew Kelly I didn't finish the book (something about being called to joy, I think?) but I'm willing to give it a whirl, I guess.

Smart Women Finish Rich by David Bach
One of my goals for 2010 is to organize my finances (draw up a budget, perhaps do some investing) so this book, a gift from my engineer sister, came at an opportune time. I'm not very far along, but so far I like the tone and I am eager to soak up the information contained therein. It's not so much that I want to "finish rich" (although that would be nice) but rather that I have heretofore relied entirely on my accountant father to manage my money because I've always been completely clueless about all things fiscal. This book should be a good antidote to my ignorance. I am using my great-grandmother's lace handkerchief (crocheted by hand!) as a bookmark; I come from a long line of strong women, and I wish to join their ranks asap!

Preparation for Total Consecration according to Saint Louis Marie de Montfort
Yes, I am making my consecration at last!! I was going to start in November to be ready by the feast of the Immaculate Conception, but on the very day that I was supposed to begin I fell ill with the flu. So now I begin again to be ready by the feast of the Presentation of our Lord. I have made my consecration vow many times with my family, for we do the devotion every Lent, but I've never done one on my own and I think it is about time. I could ask for no better mistress than the dear Mother of God, Mary Most Holy. Today's meditation is from Matthew chapter 7. A snippet: "Ask, and it will be given to you; search, and you will find; knock, and the door will be opened to you. For the one who asks always receives; the one who searches always finds; the one who knocks will always have the door opened to him."

The World's First Love by Fulton J. Sheen
I ordered this book from amazon.com a while ago and it finally came! It's a blue hardcover with gorgeously aged pages that don't quite match up at the edges. I just love that. It's copyrighted 1952, but this is a special 1953 reprint edition. Fancyyy!
I read a few paragraphs from this book one day in the library of our Newman Center and I was totally hooked. It's all about Mary, the Mother of God and the world's most perfect woman. The dedication alone is enough to make me sigh with love and devotion for her:
"Dedicated to the Woman I Love, the Woman Whom even God dreamed of before the world was made; the Woman of Whom I was born at cost of pain and labor at a Cross; the Woman Who, though no priest, could yet on Calvary's Hill breath, 'This is my Body; This is my blood; - for none save her gave Him human life. The Woman Who guides my pen, which falters so with words in telling of the Word. The Woman Who, in a world of Reds, shows forth the blue of hope. Accept these dried grapes of thoughts from this poor author, who has no wine; and with Cana's magic and thy Son's Power work a miracle and save a soul - forgetting not my own."
She is so beautiful! And I hope to discover more of her beauty through the reading of this book.

Well, that about sums it up. And these should keep me busy for quite a while; I don't read as often as I used to, very rarely now, in fact. But sometimes the easiest way for me to fall asleep is still to open up a book and read until my eyelids are heavy. So there's always that, I suppose. Or perhaps I can read a bit during my commute, much as I hate carrying extra books around during the day.