Musings

"I've jingle bells
from carousels
and I've got a friend
who'll lend me a sleigh.
All that I need is a blanket of white;
Baby and I will go riding tonight,
cuddling, huddling,
keeping the frost awaaaaay..."

The snow and the approaching holiday seasons are making me feel mushy again, so excuse me while I set aside my usually bubbly and somewhat objective approach to life and wax sentimental for awhile...

I've never had a Christmastime love. Actually, I've never been in love at all; I've merely pinned my loneliness on this person or that. You know that Rudy Valentino quote: "Women are not in love with me but with the picture of me on the screen. I am merely the canvas upon which the women paint their dreams." Well now you do. A lot of people do this with movie stars or performers; they fall for a projection of someone, an image that is based mostly on personal speculation rather than actual fact or knowledge. You know, those girls that say they are "in love" with this celebrity or that, people that they've never even seen in person, let alone talked to. The girls who buy shirts that say "Mrs. Brad Pitt" or whatever. The ones who legitimately think that they're going to marry Chris Brown someday. (sorry if you are one of these girls haha)

Yep, people pin their loneliness, their wishes for the future on celebrities all the time. I don't. I think it's silly. I pin my loneliness on people that I know, which is, unfortunately, infinitely worse. When you know the person on whom you "paint your dreams," there is so much more potential for hurt feelings, unreasonable expectations. The situation can get wildly out of hand when your perceptions and reality collide.

I don't want to marry someone that I've just created to be perfect in my mind without the facts or knowledge to back it up. I want to fall in love with the man of my dreams, the person who truly IS all of the things that I try to project on all these poor unsuspecting guys. Not a perfect guy (geez, that would suck), just someone who has everything I need. There's a difference. And I know there's someone out there who was created for me and I for him. Yes, I believe in soulmates. And I can't wait to meet mine.

When (if!) I fall in love, I want it to be more than just escaping loneliness. I don't want to just be "in a relationship" but to be a woman transformed by love. I don't want to just fill a space in my heart; I want to fill the space and then add more to it! I want my heart to grow.
I don't want to have to think about why I love this person; I just want to know. I want the answer to "Will you marry me?" to be "Duh!" (though of course I wouldn't say that! hahahahaha)

This is going to sound a little crazy, but I can't wait until my first Christmas as a married woman. I can just see us (me and whoever the heck I'm supposed to marry, it's not like I have anyone in mind) sipping red wine as we gaze upon a Christmas tree that we decorated together, laughing and enjoying each others' company. (note to future self: you better not get stressed out and have a nervous breakdown for your first married christmas!! You've been looking forward to it since you were nineteen!! Relax and enjoy, please, so there will be some poetic justice in my life, ok? thank you.) I realize, of course, that I am in no way ready to be married right now and that I have nothing to gain by idealizing married life.

In fact, the truth is that even when I'm married I'll still be lonely. There's a space in each heart that can only be filled by God. Even the beautiful gift of having someone to share the journey to heaven with could never compare to the bliss of being held close to the Lord as he gently shows you the way to His kingdom with His lovely mother there to help. I never feel lonely when I'm there in the chapel with Him for adoration. I can only hope and pray that the man I marry will be so like Christ and that his love for me will be so like His that I will be blessed with a foretaste of heaven in my marriage, and that I may provide the same kind of love for him.

Alright, well, I think I've mused enough for today... actually I think I've mused enough for a month, so I'll try to spare you the excessive musings for awhile. I really must be going; I'm visiting home this weekend, and my dad will be here any minute to pick me up!