procrastination.

I am currently avoiding entering the study room at the Newman Center. I hate the very thought of going in there to wrestle with my stat homework. This is the third day in a row that I'll be devoting more than 3 hours of my day to homework that I hate! 5 hours on Monday, 3 hours yesterday... probably about 4 hours today. This never happens!!!!
To be perfectly honest, this is probably entirely my fault. I missed 2 of the most recent lectures (I was sick and then it was Holy Week) so I'm having to teach myself all of the stuff for these homeworks just by reading the book.
On the other hand, it's not like the professor really teaches anything during lecture. She is a crazy lady. Funny, but crazy. So maybe I wouldn't have gained anything by going to lecture anyway.

I don't know how much longer I can procrastinate. I really don't have anything new to say since last night...
Oh, dash it all, I guess I just have to go work now. :p

Haikus and Fingernails

I always do my nails while I'm watching TV. The more I watch TV, the better my nails look. I clip and file and shape and touch up the cuticles.
It's finals week, sooo... my nails look great!
You may also have noticed that I'm blogging a lot more frequently. This is also due to finals week. Frequent study breaks are required for my to stay concentrated on any one thing (namely, Statistics) for very long before I fall asleep. I really am getting to the end, I think. Maybe the last third or so?
Ok, it's bedtime. There's sure to be more soon.
Lately I've been really into haikus, so I'll close with this little tidbit:

my sleepiness grows
underpaid, overworked brain
it is finals week

hahaha. that was so fun. here's another:

i was up 'til 5
and now i just feel tired
coffee, nevermore

wow i really suck at this...
it really is time for bed

Is a Caffeine Buzz Supposed to Last This Long?

I drank a couple cups of coffee about 5 hours ago... and I'm still wide awake. They weren't even full cups; they were half creamer because I hate the taste of coffee. I don't drink coffee very often... but I needed the stamina for studying. I usually just fall asleep when I open my Stat book and I really could not do that tonight. But NOW, when I actually NEED to sleep... no dice.

I am getting work done, though. I'm making the best of my wakefulness. I'm finally writing that draft for my final journalism story that was due over a week ago.

But seriously... doesn't caffeine wear off after a few hours? Am I more sensitive to it than most people or just incredibly naive concerning the ways of coffee?

Oh Lordy... maybe if I drank some warm milk...

It is 4 in the morning!! This is insane!!

Thank God I don't have anything going on tomorrow morning, or I would be sleeping through it.
Or maybe not. Maybe this won't hit me until Wednesday... when I have a Sociology final.

Wouldn't that just be perfect timing.

Argghhh I am never drinking coffee again!! Ever!! I don't even like it! It's bad for your voice and it makes me an emotional wreck! And it tastes bad!!!

Ok, I'm done now. I should really get back to my journalism draft.

St. Joseph of Cupertino

And now, some fun finals week inspiration.

For those of you who don't know about good ol' St. Joe, he is the patron saint of students. (This is, obviously, a different St. Joe than the earthly father of Jesus.) He earned this distinction through a pretty awe-inspiring happenstance...

St. Joe was a very poor student. For whatever reason, he had great difficulties with school and with studying. Yet he knew that God was calling him to be a priest. Yes, he knew this, but he also knew that the seminary involves extremely rigorous schooling. He didn't think he'd make it, but he trusted in the Lord and took the plunge.
The night before his final exam, when he would be questioned by the bishop himself, he tried and tried to study, but due to his poor study skills, was only able to learn the materials on one topic.
As he stood in the last place in a line of seminarians, watching them all be questioned so severely, he knew that he could not make it through the questioning. He prayed as the bishop moved down the line, getting closer and closer to St. Joe.
And then something miraculous happened: just as the bishop approached the end of the line, he was called away. He only had time to ask St. Joe one question... a question on the only topic that St. Joe had been able to study.
God is so good!
St. Joe passed and became a wonderful priest, and then a saint! All because he trusted in the Lord, even when things looked really impossible.

And now for my own personal St. Joseph of Cupertino encounter...

I had a ton of statistics homework to do in about 4 hours: 2 weeks worth of homework due and 2 quizzes to take in class that night. I hadn't done a holy hour yet that day, though, and I solved this problem by taking my stat homework to St. Pauls Cathedral and sitting myself down with it right in front of the tabernacle. Study date with the Lord. "Lord," I said, "I hate doing this work and I'm a little worried about getting it all done. Please help me out!"
About 2 hours into my work, I realized that there was no way on earth that it was going to be done by the time I had class. In despair, I whispered, "St. Joseph of Cupertino, help me!"
I only had time to finish one of the homeworks, #8. Homework #9 remained unfinished, and I had not even looked at the materials for the two quizzes. Feeling defeated, I trudged off to class.
I sat through my entire stat lecture, awaiting my fate. As lecture ended, the TA stood up in front of the class and said some words that I will probably never forget:
"Hey, just so you guys know, I think this weeks work was really hard, so we're not gonna take the quizzes today. And you only have to turn in homework #8. You can just get #9 to me sometime next week."
Holy... geez. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Seriously?? I sat there in disbelief for several minutes before the relief and thanksgiving washed over me. "Thank you, Lord!" I whispered. "Thank you, St. Joseph of Cupertino!!!"

So, fellow students, I encourage you whole-heartedly to ask St. Joe to pray for you, this week and always. He obviously has a very specialy place in his heart for all of us, and God has given him a lot of power to help us.

Happy Finals Week! :)

Learning Not to Be Strong

Recently I stumbled across the work of this beautiful artist, Yiruma. He's a pianist and a composer, and his work is phenomenal. It makes me feel.
He creates this airy, floating piano music. Listening to it is like basking in morning sunlight or sipping fresh milk or sinking into an immense feather bed.
Sometimes, when I hear this music, I feel immensely happy, like a princess chasse-ing across a ballroom. A smile lights up my face and I feel at peace and filled with joy in the Lord.
More often, though, the music makes me sad. More than once has it moved me to tears, real tears of loneliness or despair.

This has been a recurring issue for me: tears... vulnerability.
There are very few times when I feel comfortable crying. If something makes me feel sad, I don't let myself cry, especially not in public. I want to be strong. Even at funerals. Even when everyone around me is crying, too. Even when my heart is broken.
Things have changed, though, since I've drawn closer to the Lord. "Cry," He says to me. "Your tears are beautiful. They show that I matter to you, that My work matters to you. They show your weakness and your vulnerability and your beauty. They show that you need Me, My little one."
This world is a sorrowful place. There are many things to weigh us down and many things to pull us away from the Lord, Who is our source of strength and happiness. We live in a "valley of tears."

So, when I hear this music and feel sad hearing it, then I know: something is amiss in my life. There is some trial that I am not dealing with well, though everything may seem fine on the surface. So I let the tears come. And I bring them to the Lord. And I tell Him everything. And He smiles at me and brings joy back into my heart with His love and His graces. And soon I am smiling again as I wipe the tears from my eyes.

So you see, in avoiding the tears and the feelings we rely on our own strength to deal with the situation at hand. The key is learning NOT be strong so that we may share those tender moments with our Lord, Who wishes for nothing more than to be there with us through all our sufferings and failings. He loves us so very much. Cry, and let Him love you.

Tangooooo!

Tonight I went to Tango Club for the first time. It was their last meeting of the year. Ironic.
Anywho, before tonight, I had only ever danced in the American style of tango. Tango club dances Argentinian style.
The American style is strict, with a set posture, and a seldom-changing basic step. The step turns for promenade and a few flourishes of the feet, but is mostly the same. Also, the girl must never look at the guy; her head is turned to the left and tipped back away from him as though she is turning up her nose to his attempts to woo her. In fact, the drama of the dance comes from the tension between the guy and the girl.
Argentine tango is much more free-flowing. The strict posture and steps are not as important, but being tuned in to your partner is! This dance is very unpredictable, and it is up to the guy to lead the girl into whatever step he chooses, while it is up to the girl to follow him well. There is no "basic step," so to speak, because the dance is supposed to feel very natural. The posture is much more relaxed, and close! The drama of this dance definitely comes from the passion between the man and the woman.
Both styles are breathtakingly beautiful. The posture and tone of American tango is delightful, while the footwork in the Argentine tango is fantastic. When you're with a strong lead, even the more intricate footwork seems simple, and there's so much you can do!
Basically, I'm falling more and more in love with tango every time I encounter it! I think I've finally found a dance that I think is beautiful AND I can do well, after years of struggling through ballet classes.
This afternoon I was so stressed out, and tango club seemed like just one more thing on my list of things to do (don't worry, Mom, I had to go to make up a class, I was NOT just wasting time haha). But now I'm so glad that I went, because afterward I was happy again. The exercise and the concentration on something totally new cleared my mind completely. It's like hitting the reset button in a most enjoyable way.
Next semester, the Tango club can count me in as a regular member! Also there are, apparently, Tango Nights every Wednesday at Peters Pub! Who knew? I'm pretty pumped. Why, oh why did I wait until the week before finals to get involved?

Holy Week

Ah, this most blessed week of the year. So far it has been loaded with suffering. It's only to be expected. Embrace the cross, y'all. Just do it. It makes the resurrection that much sweeter.

O How Things Have Changed...

I laugh when I look back and read over my first entry of this semester. I thought I had things sooo together. How wrong I was.
Not a week has gone by since then that I could call "normal" with a clear conscience. I am either going through a crisis or recovering from one. I guess that's what life really is, eh? How silly of me to think otherwise.
But I see now that it's better this way, too. I'd much rather be out there, experiencing the highs and lows of life than sticking to the comfortable, everyday schedule I'd set for myself. My Lord God knows how to plan a week much better than I do.
I can't wait to see where He takes me next. :)